Welcome to ‘What Is Your Damage,’ Annie Barrett’s summer shop of all the melodrama and self-absorption she misses from springtime reality TV. Every Tuesday and Friday, she’ll rant about a current offense to her humanity, then assess readers’ damages via video replies. Don’t be shy about admitting what annoys or intrigues you. We’re all in this pop cult together!
What’s your damage, Olympics? Last Tuesday, I railed against poolside interviewer Andrea Kremer among other Olympics offenders like Ryan Seacrest. Friday’s Volume 2 brought spitting in the pool, a lucky towel, and a very special wedgie. But most damaging right now? NBC interrupting — and cutting a significant chunk from! — a primetime SPORTING event in order to air another “What is….London?” Mary Carillo segment. Brutal!
Now, I like Mary Carillo. Her Oscar Pistorius segment, during which she called the disabled South African sprinter a “cyborg kangaroo,” was heartwarming and welcome alongside this weekend’s track and field coverage. If NBC wants this towering pillar of frankness to teach me about bagpipes and James Bond and a mysterious foreign beverage called “tea,” that’s fine.
But do it off-hours! Show it on the nightly news, or tease it during primetime and air it during the late-night segment she already hosts, or stick it RIGHT at the beginning of primetime coverage. Call it Mary Carillo Enlightens You Commoners, or It’s Almost Primetime with Mary Carillo, or Prime Meridians with Mary Carillo if you want to paint the best picture of what to expect.
Don’t sandwich a segment about lattitude, longitude, and the passing of time itself during a time-sensitive event — in this case, between the first and third set of a knockout beach volleyball match between the U.S. and Latvia — and unapologetically omit almost the entire second game!
That’s not fair to anyone involved, NBC.
Why you wanna make people hate Mary Carillo?
OTHER OLYMPIC DAMAGES:
Runners’ perfectly sculpted butts taunting me (on my couch)
Come on, I’m eating here! How rude. (9 out of 10 on the Damages Scale)
For thoroughly confusing me from pre-start to finish (6)
U.S.A. gymnast McKayla “Posh Spice” Maroney
For the HugSnub heard ’round the world during Sunday’s vault finals (10)
Posh is clearly plotting something evil in the audience. (6.66)
Also DEFINITELY not into hugging (10)
Waldo (Doctor Who?)
For making it way too easy during Women’s Basketball (4)
For checking his butt so many times I started doing it to myself. Not so hot. (10)
Look alive, man! (-.000001 on the Damages Scale)
NEXT PAGE: What’s your damage, men’s hairless armpits?
Latvian Beach Volleyball player Martins Plavins
For shaving his pits way better than I do! (1)
The Rings (Men’s Gymnastics)
Greetings from Purgatory! (10)
Chilean gymnast Tomas Gonzalez
The mustache or the eyebrow ring: choose one. (7)
Korean gymnast Yang Hak Seon
For lifting that flag just a liiiiiittle too early (Tim Daggett voice) during Monday’s vault finals. (1)
Jordan Jovtchev of Bulgaria
For dashing my hopes of one day seeing Roger Sterling on the gymnastics medal stand. (3)
Olga Korbut’s stealth bitch teammate from 1972
For not being super psyched about the changing face of women’s gymnastics. (9.8)
NBCOlympics.com reporter Brad Blanks (interviewing Nathan Adrian)
For refusing to trade lives with me. (10)
Great, now I want Pringles. (10)
For attempting to drive on my Olympics boyfriend, Argentinian baller Luis Scola. (2)
Weightlifting facial expressions
Oh my God, take a load off. (5)
My water-logged pea brain
For thinking Procter & Gamble’s “sponges in a swim race” commercial is brilliant. It’s not. But IT IS! (10)
Pool spitters and lickers: They’re not just swimmers!
For providing this haunting flashback to What’s Your Damage, Olympics? (Vol. 2) (3)
American Rower Henrik Rummel
For being very happy to see us (.01)
NEXT PAGE: Evil Becky Ann Baker, plus: My video replies to YOUR damages
Evil Becky Ann Baker
For glaring deep into my soul during every indoor volleyball match. (10)
This f—ing hipster
For ensuring that tonight will definitely NOT feel like an Arby’s night. (10; I love Arby’s)
This presumptuous Applebee’s commercial
You wish! (1)
The “adventurous couple” in the Visa commercial:
I irrationally hate you. (10)
The Olympics Equestrian course
Just an abandoned Farmville game in the desert. (6)
Really complicated diving diagrams
I’m better off just not knowing. (3)
Pure misery. (8)
It hurts. (7)
Bruce Jenner and Serena Williams
I don’t even know. (10)
You’ve gone too far. (8)
Cars.com commercial (ft. Macaulay Culkin’s disembodied head?!)
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. (11)
For making me sad you can’t join this season of Dancing With the Stars. (10/”Tehhhn!”)
WHAT IS *YOUR* DAMAGE THIS WEEK, READERS? Tell me! The next few installments will probably focus on the Olympics, but it is your God-given right to bitch about anything you want.
EW.com Reader Damages for August 7, 2012: I’ve ranked the following atrocities, submitted by readers this week, on a scale of 1 (harmless) to 10 (Heather Chandler).
–Bob Costas getting in on the Missy Franklin/Justin Bieber action
–Beach volleyball women’s bottoms that don’t quite fit
–NBC’s failure to produce montage of Russian gymnasts crying
–Water polo helmets tied with pretty bows
–Random “censorship beeps” throughout gymnastics events
–Michael Phelps’ jaw seems to be coming more and more unhinged, I’m not even kidding.
–Ryan Seacrest (repeat offender)
–Costas’ impression of Dorian Gray
–Debbie Phelps acting like she’s not used to Michael winning gold
–Olympians who wear jewelry
–Yannick Agnel looking like a cadaver
–Swimming semifinals shown instead of Kayla Harrison’s judo gold
–Gymnasts’ Feet: Where is the Gold Bond?
–Man sitting in the wall of the Olympic pool
Click on the “answered questions” prompts in the video player below to see my assessments.
If the player isn’t working for you, go here!
Last week’s damages (just keep scrolling down in the video player to find/watch them):
–Misty May’s shoutouts into the camera after every match
–Phil Phillips’ song “Home” used as women’s gymnastics theme
–Kohei Uchimura’s sparkly anime hair
–leotards that look like Kelly Kapowski’s bathing suits
–commentators unable to let the Jordyn Wieber thing go
–insanely hot swimmers’ bodies
–hiding from online Olympics spoilers before NBC airs events
–all the sports
—Chariots of Fire theme song stuck in head for next 40 years
–NBC not showing all the rotations in men’s gymnastics
–commentators trying to make China the new USSR
–feeling guilty about who you’re rooting for at a given moment
–the lack of televised medal ceremonies
–too much synchronized diving coverage
–BOB FREAKING COSTAS
What is your damage? What is with you today? What’s with today, today? Let me know what’s annoying you by sending me a “question” in the video box. You can also tweet and/or e-mail me your damages. Do not mail me your damages. I do not believe in paper.
Why is this column called “What Is Your Damage?” Excellent question. Here you go.
Thanks for playing along!
What is your damage, London Olympics? (Vol. 2)