'Teen Mom' star Farrah Abraham releases new single
When reality stars sing, the results can be totally inoffensive (Brooke Hogan’s career) or surprisingly decent (Paris Hilton’s “Stars Are Blind” — seriously, it’s like a watered-down “Underneath It All”! In a good way!). More often, though, their songs are auto-tuned nightmares and tone-deaf raps, music that makes you yearn for a sweet shot of Adele to take the pain away.
In that vein, I offer up Teen Mom Farrah Abraham’s new single. Is it the worst piece of “music” in recorded history? It’s possible — though Abraham’s got some serious competition from other misguided reality crooners. Let’s survey the candidates, then decide which is the most rotten apple at the very bottom of the barrel:
Farrah Abraham (Teen Mom), “Getting Up from Rock Bottom”
The Lowdown: Knowing that this 21-year-old mother has endured substance abuse, depression, and her boyfriend’s death might make you feel bad about crapping all over her musical venture. But when a song is this dismal, it’s tough to practice the golden rule. Be sure to turn your speakers down before hitting “Play” on the linked SoundCloud file, unless you’d like to suffer from Pounding Eardrum Syndrome.
Worst Lyrics: Vocal effects are applied so thickly that you can’t really understand a word Abraham is yelping. Blessing in disguise?
Spencer Pratt (The Hills), “I’m a Celebrity”
The Lowdown: No, Spencer, you’re not. Compared to this lame rap, Heidi Montag’s album Superficial might as well be Rubber Soul.
Worst Lyrics: “I’m on your iPhones / Taking over BlackBerries / Me not famous? / Whoa, that’s scary!”
Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up With the Kardashians), “Jam (Turn It Up)”
The Lowdown: Even current boyfriend Kanye West wouldn’t have been able to save this monotonous dance track, which sounds like a single by a grown-up Rebecca Black who was sent back from the future to destroy all joy.
Worst Lyrics: “Got my hands up, celebrate like it’s my birthday / Five more shots of tequila, I’m thirsty”
Michaele Salahi (Real Housewives of DC), “Bump It”
The Lowdown: Other Housewives singles aren’t without their charms — Kim Zolciak’s “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party” is incredibly catchy, and both of Countess Luann’s releases are studded with lyrical gems that more than compensate for her weak voice. (Example: “And Alex, and Simon / And I’ll bring the diamonds.”) But the onetime White House Crasher’s club tune doesn’t deserve good-bad status — it’s just bad-bad.
Worst Lyrics: “Will someone please hurry up and dance with me?/Will someone please hurry up and dance with me?/Because I’m alone on the dance floor”
NEXT: Lowlights from Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, and The Situation
Simon Van Kempen (Real Housewives of New York), “I Am Real”
The Lowdown: Speaking of Alex and Simon: Real Househusband Van Kempen released a technofied single of his own in 2011. And like those red leather pants, it was not a good idea.
Worst Lyrics: “Here in reality / We practice duality.” Points for paying attention in 11th-grade English class, though.
Paris Hilton (The Simple Life), “Drunk Text”
The Lowdown: “Stars Are Blind” isn’t nearly as awful as the Internet would like you to believe. But Hilton’s follow-up, a bizarre spoken word ode to going out to a club and, you know, dancing with her bitches, deserves all the insults it garnered after leaking earlier this year. (The official video has been yanked from YouTube, but you can still watch the whole thing here.)
Worst Lyrics: “No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore”
The Situation (Jersey Shore), “The Situation”
The Lowdown: The Jersey Shore house’s resident weird uncle sounds totally unrecognizable on this two-year-old ditty, though its subject matter — clubs, chicks, the performer’s own name — stays firmly within the Sitch’s wheelhouse.
Worst Lyrics: “I ain’t by the bar to get drunk alone / I’m gonna take a hottie home / She’s sniffin’ on my $85 cologne”
Kevin Federline (Britney & Kevin: Chaotic), “PopoZão”
The Lowdown: It’s sort of cheating to count Brit-Brit’s ex-husband as a reality star. But I’d be remiss to leave K-Fed off of this list, since he’s one of the trailblazers that started this trend way back in 2006. Those were heady times, my friends.
Worst Lyrics: It’s a tie between the random screams and grunts that open the track and this couplet, which is at least informative: “In Portuguese it means ‘bring your ass’ / on the floor, and move it real fast.”
Each challenger has a claim to infamy — but only one can clinch the dishonor of victory. So, who gets your vote?