Hot dog! This adorable, humble, well-spoken sex god who can't believe he just struck gold is Nathan Adrian, the first American in 24 years to win swimming's version of the "fastest man in the world" race — the 100-meter Freestyle. HOW CUTE IS HE?

The 23-year-old out-touched another insanely hot intelligent person, Australian world champion James Magnussen, in his first-ever individual Olympic final. "I almost started crying in the water," Adrian told damage-monger Andrea Kremer after the race. AND HE CRIES, TOO! We have found the world's most perfect person. We did it! Congratulations, everybody.

Move over, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. It is 100 percent Pure Adrian from now on. I mean, good luck in today's IM final and all. But spoiler alert: Nathan Adrian wins. He'll win all of the events in all of the sports that have yet to happen. I highly doubt any spectator, at least, would mind.

Here is Nathan Adrian's bed. Send me your pic and I'll photoshop you into it! No nudes.

What is this bed's damage? A twin? Really? Our Wet Hot American Merman is 6'6″ — can you at least spring for an extra-long mattress? Loving that bedspread though. What the heck is going on in the widescreen cerulean box?

Enough. More swimming finals: Hungary's Daniel Gyurta set the London Games' fourth world record in the 200-meter Breaststroke. China's Jiao Liuyang won the Women's 200-meter Fly with tons of hair hanging out of her swim cap. That had to count as some sort of disadvantage (it looked like quite the mullet), so she deserves extra props or maybe just an extra cap.

Rebecca Soni, who I keep mistakenly assuming is Italian because of the last name and hot pink bodysuit even though I know she belongs to us, set a new world record in the 200-meter Breaststroke semifinal! And "The Smiley Group" — U.S.A.'s Missy Franklin, Dana Vollmer, Shannon Vreeland, and Allison Schmitt — trounced Australia in the 4×200-meter Free Relay.

"There's Missy and her size 13 feet painted red, white, and blue," Dan and Rowdy enthused before the race as if describing some ridiculous clown. I liked how they couldn't figure out if Vreeland's feet had left the block before she dove in after Vollmer on leg 3 — and then they quickly changed the subject, lest an Olympic official manage to worm his way into the three inches separating their red and powder blue polos and disqualify Team U.S.A. after the fact. Shhhhh. We won't tell if you don't, guys. Now stand a little closer.


Soni's semi was pretty cool, I guess, but they could have just shown that race's finish before tomorrow's final. I don't get the logic behind showing all those swimming semis (Phelps "let Lochte win," snooze) instead of more events of the Men's Gymnastics All-Around Finals! We ended up seeing less than 10 percent of the total gymnastics routines. Prime time completely ditched one of the two qualifying Americans, John Orozco, after the deadly pommel horse got the best of him. R.I.P. Orozco. We didn't even get to say goodbye.

Ugh, the gymnastics coverage was so spotty and weird. Isn't this supposed to be a major event? Tuesday night's lady lovefest certainly was. NBC made sure to show all the routines in which another one bit the chalk dust, but this presentation provided zero suspense or context. The strongest connective tissue of the night was the never-ending story of American Danell Leyva's co-dependent relationship with his "lucky towel" — a hideous threadbare tapestry of the sun, moon, and stars. I eventually forgot I was watching a world-class gymnastics competition and became wrapped up in the drama of a man basically tucking himself in to… a towel.

Oh! Goodbye, John! See ya never. Next time consider a towel.

Then, to make matters worse, Ryan Seacrest tried to come between the two lovebirds at a creepy pre-taped Miami luncheon. He's such a flirt.

NEXT UP: When is this medal ceremony gonna be over so I can get back to my towel?

Anyway, I'm burying the lead under a towel here: Danell Leyva came back from WAY behind to win a bronze medal — behind Germany's Marcel Nguyen (silver) and Japan's Kohei Uchimura (gold).

Kohei definitely had the best hair in the all-around. What's going on up there? Dandruff? Chalk dust torture? Sparkles (OMG, is he actually a Russian woman)? Whatever it is: Well done, boy. You didn't let it ruin your bedhead.

Let's check in with Danell.

Great. Anyway, he pulled off a big comeback in the sixth and final rotation on his high bar routine — the same event that proved disastrous at the 2011 Worlds. Meanwhile, Tanaka got head-butted by the pommel horse and the leader, Princess Sparkle, fell onto his hands during the floor exercise. That latter error didn't matter; I'm pretty sure the former one did. Can you tell how disjointed and weird this telecast was? I mean, I'm happy for our guy and his…..


….but I still have very little idea of how that final ranking came to be. Oh well. All I know is this: It was really awesome to see each competitor run around and high five everyone in the waiting area — coaches, opponents, that f—ing towel, their own teammates. Very friendly!


Kerri Walsh Jennings — another enthusiastic high-fiver of strangers — and Misty May-Treanor got some primetime love last night, but probably only because they lost their first-ever Olympic set to an Austrian sisters duo, Doris and Stefani Schwaiger. Don't worry! USA eventually won the match in Game 3. And Kerri and Misty looked like speed skaters in those full-body black lycra uniforms. Come on, London weather! You've got to work with us here. This isn't funny.


I had this on mute, so I'll just have to assume Ryan delivered a well-researched (on Twitter) thesis on how Angelina Jolie is totally unpatriotic.


The night kicked off with the Men's 3M Synchonized Springboard final. OF COURSE the Chinese won gold. Russia came in second, and good ol' Team USA — Troy Dumais and his new, non-brother partner Kristian Ipsen — got bronze! The Americans were really going for it in the diving hot tub. Has anyone else noticed how much more ragin' the hot tub scene is at the men's diving events compared to the women's?

This is like a freaking Matisse painting updated for 2012 — complete with the modern-day graininess one can only achieve by taking a photo of one's television with one's phone. Ooh, and the "2012" logo represents Matisse's Cutouts period. Every time I see that logo, I think it's a jaunty cartoon creature attempting to break free and dance the night away.

Will Gabby Douglas win tonight's women's all-around? Will we get to see more than 10 percent of the routines?

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