If you haven’t been on the Internet today, you might not know that Kristen Stewart cheated on her boyfriend/co-star Robert Pattinson with her Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders (who is 19 years older than Stewart, and married with two kids). Stewart promptly apologized for her transgression, issuing a statement to People: “I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.” (UPDATE: Sanders also issued an apology to People.)
The only way we at EW.com could deal with such devastating news is to talk about it. So read a (heavily edited) version of our chat after our heads exploded from all the craziness.
Denise: In case anyone cares as much as I do about this, Kristen Stewart FINALLY acknowledges she’s dating Robert Pattinson.
Jeff: Is this unprecedented?
Denise: Yeah, the most she’s ever said publicly was “my boyfriend’s English.”
Jeff: Has anyone ever publicly apologized to their bf for cheating on him?
Darren: But how does this affect Snow White 2: Attack of the Huntsm2n?
Denise: If you didn’t hear the laughing across the hall … that was me.
Darren: Will this, like, turn all the Twilight fans against her? (He said, chastising himself for even trying to understand Twilight fans.)
Denise: This is going to be embarrassing for me that I know this but… half of the Twilight fans never believed they were a couple.
Adam: I AM SO EMBARRASSED FOR YOU DENISE!
Denise: The other half will hate her, yes
Erin: I think they’ll be thrilled! Rob now has a better chance with them! It’s like the beliebers who want Selena dead.
Denise: There was a time when, for work honestly, Robstenation was a source of news for me.
Lanford: “For work,” uh huh.
Denise: (Actually, I run that site in my spare time.)
Darren: Wait, did everyone know they were dating the whole time? I thought it was just studio-assisted gossip, like that Hilary Duff plotline on Gossip Girl.
Adam: IS LOVE EVEN REAL ANYMORE?!?
Erin: WHAT CAN WE BELIEVE IN NOW?
Darren: WHAT IS REAL?!?!?! WHAT IS RECALL?!?!?!?!
Jeff: Whoever is writing this PW simply cut and paste this exchange in their post. Also, there is no God.
Adam: Kristen Stewart’s apology to Rob Pattinson: EW’s staff tries to make sense of it all
Jeff: Also, doesn’t her cheating with an older married man resemble the plot in Adventureland? Rob Pattinson IS Jesse Eisenberg!
Lanford: I might suggest a tweak to ABV’s title: “Kristen Stewart’s apology to Rob Pattinson: An EW-xistential crisis.”
Darren: Ryan Reynolds IS some British director who almost certainly just got fired from Snow White 2: Snow Way Out.
Erin: Wait, also, director’s wife: KRISTEN STEWART’S mom in Snow White.
Adam: You guys! Spoiler alert! Some of us want to wait for the thinly veiled episode of Law & Order: SVU and/or Will McAvoy’s tirade about us caring about this story on season 3 of The Newsroom!
Darren: Cast the Law & Order: SVU episode! I see Sebastian Stan as Pattinson and some chick from Bunheads as Stewart.
Jeff: Will McAvoy would have an aneurysm! This betrayal cuts too close to his heart!
Erin: Taylor Swift does a great lip bite! (See: SNL.)
Jeff: Wait. Does this mean Rob and Kristen won’t be going to prom together?
Lanford: They already did, to the tune of Iron & Wine, in movie 1, Jeff: Don’t get it twisted.
Denise: The real question — who gets custody of Renesmee?
Lanford: That gets tricky real quick… wolves have a difficult time controlling their impulses… just sayin’.
Erin: E! News tweet just now: “Should Rob dump Kristen now that she’s admitted to cheating on him?! Tell us what you think with #kristencheats!”
Lanford: That’s my favorite hashtag of all time.
Jeff: Rob Pattinson = Scotty
Darren: This will add considerable resonance to Robert Pattinson’s performance in Cosmopolis, where, spoiler alert, he has sex with every woman in New York.
Mike*: Okay, at LEAST two very funny PW items in this window. Please ensure no one gets fired.
Darren: “Kristen Stewart leaves Rob Pattinson: Is Scientology to blame?”
Darren: I’ll clean out my office this afternoon.