July 07, 2012 at 12:00 PM EDT

Or if you’re already Carson Kressley: Come for the heavage, stay for the mandatory nipple-hardness exam. Welcome, DANCMSTRs one and all, to Dancing With the Stars: Live in Las Vegas! (You still have until August 5 to see it.) This sizzling hunk of well-done tenderloin — offset beautifully, I might add, by shimmery, rare beef medallion Kressley — is Vegas troupe member Ryan Di Lello. You may know him from So You Think You Can Dance or some of your better dreams. I now know him as “Shoulders.”

First and foremost: Host Carson Kressley is a marvel. The star stylist and official Planet Mirrorballus cheerleader, who has really been buffing up, is the perfect ringleader for DWTS‘ Las Vegas show — a campy, chardonnay-drenched spectacle he calls “Cirque du So Gay.” Having been awarded carte blanche to blatantly lust after the male dancers the whole time, he’s a projection of what millions of viewers (and plenty of women in our raucous Saturday night audience) have been thinking to themselves for years.

Plus, he’s Carson Kressley, who — much like TV host Tom Bergeron — is never not funny, even (and especially) when momentarily thrown off by the unpredictable nature of doing it liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! The Tom vs. Carson dynamic won’t strike you during the Vegas show because Carson truly does make it his own — but you may end up pondering it days later while digging deep into the box of wine Carson encouraged you to try (as if you needed a push). Basically, Carson is Dancing With the Stars‘ Id and Tom is its Ego. We watch Carson lazily push a sparkly-handled mop around the floor, seemingly as an excuse to get closer to the action (“I have to get all the drag droppings,” he complains gleefully while sweeping up bits of boa), volunteer to “massage the troupe,” and fly above the stage in a glamorous fabric sling that unfortunately gave him a “giant moose knuckle,” just because he felt like it. And then there’s Tom, with his censor-friendly tone of what I can only describe as “jovial gravitas,” as he valiantly makes sense of the on-air madness so that it can function in reality (television). They both make the most of it; they’re both extraordinary machines.

It’s safe to say that if you don’t like Carson Kressley, you probably won’t like the Vegas show. But that goes for DWTS the TV series as well, and why would you still be reading this unless you were super into both of these otherworldly absurdities? Have you lost your way on EW.com like Chynna Phillips in the Mission: Impossible tango or Maksim Chmerkovskiy in a hall of mirrors? Look alive! You never know what might pop up.

Toto…I don’t think we’re on broadcast television anymore.

“This is kind of hard,” complained Carson. “I feel like Lance Bass.”

NEXT PAGE: The standout dances and a barefoot Dmitry Chaplin

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