By Darren Franich
Updated June 21, 2012 at 12:00 PM EDT
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Jersey Shore

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  • TV Show
network
  • MTV
genre

MTV debuted the latest Jersey Shore franchise extension last night. The good news: Snooki & JWoww is not as bad as The Pauly D Project, the accidentally depressing portrait of a bro-gang on a mission to relive all the Entourage subplots you hated. The bad news: Snooki & JWoww lacks the mythological heft and emotional complexity of Jersey Shore, and Jersey Shore actually has neither of those things I just said. What Snooki & JWoww did have was faux drama — or should I say, Faux-Drama, with a capital hyphen. Wait, you can’t capitalize hyphens? I thought this was America! Go back to Iceland, hippies!

Let’s take a long look at the drama, in the form of pictures which speak a thousand words and captions which will comprise decidedly less than a thousand words.

The fun began with JWoww lounging on her bed, juggling various Apple products in an attempt to secure an apartment for herself, her pet dogs, and her pet Snooki.

Elsewhere on Earth, we find the wild Shnookums in her natural habitat: waking up in the afternoon. The only animal lazier than the Wild Shnookums is the domesticated panda. At least the Shnookums breeds from time to time. (Lazy pandas.)

At this point, Snooki decides that it’s time to drop a bombshell on her mom: She wants to move in with JWoww, her best friend and also that girl who starred in that one reality show with her that one time.

Snooki’s mom is skeptical.

Snooki insists that living with JWoww will almost certainly lead to a whole host of madcap adventures in an intriguing new setting.

Snooki’s mom is skeptical.

JWoww’s puppy is skeptical.

JWoww’s boyfriend, Roger, is skeptical.

You know who isn’t skeptical, though? Mr. Snooki, the patient patriarch and Joe Pantoliano body double. He’s excited that Baby Shnookums wants to be a homeowner. “But Snooki, dear,” he says in his best James Mason impression, “Investing in property is no joke. It’s a real responsibility. Now, let’s learn all about our funny friend, the Utility Bill.”

I was going to make a joke about the thought bubble over Snooki’s head right now, but does anyone else think that it looks a little bit like she’s wearing a Davy Crockett™ Brand Coonskin Cap?

NEXT PAGE: The Thrilling Conclusion

In a stunning rebuke to all the skeptics who said she could never star in her very own two-character spin-off, Snooki sets off to meet JWoww for the apartment hunt in her top-secret supercar, the Snooki-Mobile. The Snooki-Mobile has many futuristic technology powers, like the ability to use GPS and the equally impressive ability to get hit by eggs thrown by everyone.

This is Snooki and JWoww’s realtor. I already forget his name, but for the sake of argument, let’s call him Xander Dextrosity, or “Dextro” to his friends. Dextro shows Snooki and JWoww an apartment that looks just about right for actual human people. Alas, JWoww loses interest when she has to flee to the bathroom for a female emergency and discovers a disturbing lack of toilet tissue. “Wait, there’s no toilet paper in this house?” says Snooki. “We can’t live here! Dude, we need toilet paper! We’ve grown accustomed to the finer things in life.”

Thinking quickly, Dextro the Realtor takes Snooki and JWoww to a different apartment. You’ll notice here that the rouge of the girls’ hair extensions perfectly matches the rouge of Snooki’s car highlights. No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.

In a craven attempt to discover a subplot, JWoww asks Xander Dextrosity if he is carrying on an affair with his female counterpart, let’s call her Marla H. Fannybottom, known as “Nee-Bot” to her friends. Dextro and Nee-Bot pretend not to have understood the question.

Having succeeded in killing almost an entire episode of screentime, Xander Dextrosity take the girls to a gigantic apartment inside of a former fire station, which is exactly the sort of thing that two normal girls who have no job and no skill set would invest in.

The girls love the former firehouse. But before they move in together, Snooki has one of her trademark Snooki twists to unload on JWoww. She’s getting married.

JWoww is shocked.

But double twist: Snooki is also pregnant.

JWoww is shocked.

Snooki’s mom is skeptical.

JWoww’s dog is plotting world domination, BWWWAAAMMMPPPP.

But in the end, the girls work it all out, or something. Is this the end? Or the beginning of the end? Or the beg-ending of the inn? Or the end-benning of the egg?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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Jersey Shore

Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL
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  • TV Show
seasons
  • 5
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status
  • Pending
network
  • MTV
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