• TV Show

Last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians featured an exclusive preview of Snow White and the Huntsman, which is a movie about a very attractive but slightly older lady who is plotting the demise of an equally attractive but much younger lady, and also Hemsworth. I submit to you, my fellow viewers, that a very similar plotline is playing out on this season of Kardashians. At the top of the hour, we saw dear old Kim hanging out with her young half-sisters Kendall and Kylie. The two girls were having so much fun jumping on Kim’s bed and rolling around Kim’s house. They were young, they were full of life. They were everything Kim used to be. How she loathed them! But she was a pure diplomat for the cameras. “Kendall and Kylie and I have… gotten… closer,” she said, sounding like a sniper who has finally found a good vantage point, or a Roman senator preparing to shake Julius Caesar’s hand. “I just love hanging out with my sisters,” she said, not at all lovingly.

The Jenner girls dominated the episode. You see, after many years of hard work, they finally got a long-overdue promotion. They’ve been named West Coast Fashion Contributors for Seventeen Magazine. Kylie was so proud. She showed Kim her business cards. “Look at the cards we got. They’re so profesh.” Kim regarded the business card. The subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even had a watermark! Kim was horrified. She had been dreaming of the West Coast Fashion Contributor job for years. And yet, all she had to show for her vast literary ambitions was a brief stint as the Tehran correspondent for The Economist. And here was little Kylie, who is like 12 years old.

Not that Kylie actually seems like a threat to Kim’s status as Kardashian Team Captain. The real threat is Kendall, who is exactly like Kim, except younger, less controversial, and less divorced. Gwyneth Paltrow has not spurned Kendall Jenner. Jay-Z has not officially banned Kendall Jenner from visiting the castle he shares with Beyoncé. “Former boyfriend Ray J” is not a phrase that comes up when you write about Kendall Jenner.

Unfortunately, Kendall has just one problem: She’s incapable of talking to anyone who she is not directly related to. Usually, this is not a problem. Usually, Kendall is surrounded by her various siblings, by Kim and Khloé and Kylie and Kevin and Kelvin and Kalvin and Kokomo. But last night, Seventeen Magazine sent her out on assignment. She had to find people in Malibu who could work as a magazine model. This was difficult. As we all know, people who live in Malibu tend to be terrifically ugly. Kendall walked up to one person and said, “Have you ever wanted to be a model?” “Not really,” said the lady, “I’ve never thought of it.” Kendall got nervous. She flop-sweated. This whole journalism thing was much harder than she thought.

Fortunately, Kendall triumphed over her horrible shyness and convinced kindhearted everyday citizens to consider joining an industry based on shallow cynicism. There was a moment in the episode when Kendall, victorious, thanked her older half-sister for her help. Kendall towered over Kim. It was like watching a Valkyrie shake hands with a helpful big-butted dwarf.

To add insult to injury, Kim spent the rest of the episode tormented by her step-father. Kim has a terrible fear of spiders, and Bruce Jenner kept on taking advantage of that fear. He invited Kim over for dinner, and told her to come into his study, and when she got in there, he threw a spider onto her back and said, “I’m trying to help you! Haha! I’m a good parent!” Kim stripped off all her clothes and ran away down Mulholland Drive, yelling “Spiders! Spiders! Spiders!”

She launched a counter-attack on Bruce by letting him borrow her Ferrari and then pretending to steal the Ferrari. They had a good laugh. Bruce invited Kim back over for dinner. When she got there, she sat down with her step-father and her half-sisters.

“What are we eating?” she asked.

“What are we eating? Haha! What are we eating? Haha! What are we eating!” said Bruce. He was wearing a chef’s hat and an apron and a monocle. He laughed, and kept repeating, “What are we eating? Hoho! What are we eating? Heehee! What are we eating? Yuk yuk!” Then he pulled the cover off the plate, revealing a horde of tiny spiders crawling across the decaying corpse of a Norwegian Tarantula. “We’re eating spiders!” he screamed. “Spiders! Spiders! Spiders!” It was a really weird dinner, seriously.

Next: Your Weekly Kardashian Rankings

There are many Kardashians, and many of them are terrible. Sometimes, the only way to keep track of them all is to rank just how bad they were. And this week, the worst Kardashian was undoubtedly:

1. Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney is feeling judgmental. She has achieved something like normal domesticity with her satanic baby-daddy. She has one healthy human child with another on the way. She can’t get over the fact that her mother wrote a “mem-wah” admitting to a marriage-ending affair. She insulted her mother to her face. She invited Kris over for dinner just to berate her — a dinner which was cooked by a chef whose name I swear to god was Sharone Hawkman [Update: According to Google, the chef’s real name is Sharone Hakman. Let it be known that I am now trademarking the name “Sharone Hawkman.”] Now, I’m fully in support of the Kardashian girls striking back against their half-crazy mother. But Kourtney doesn’t seem to realize that, by attempting to negate everything Kris stands for, Kourtney is in danger of becoming Kris. It’s just like that one Greek tragedy. You know, the one written by Homer. I think it was called Wrath of the Titans.

2. Kris Jenner

It’s becoming clear that the big plotline of this season will be the fallout from Kris Jenner’s “mem-wah,” which means we’re going to hear Kris Jenner say the word “mem-wah” again and again and again. Unacceptable.

3. Kim Kardashian

Maybe I’m being too harsh on Kim. Maybe she genuinely wants to help her young half-sisters navigate the horrible life their mother has created for them. But Kim-Kim earns demerits this week for a lazy revenge plan — ooohh, you stole your own Ferrari! — and also for this joke: “Orange you glad you got a spray-tan?”

4. Bruce Jenner

Kim stole the Ferrari while Bruce Jenner was riding indoor go-karts with his son Brandon. So, just so we’re clear, these are Bruce Jenner’s hobbies: 1. Collecting spiders, 2. Hanging out on the couch with nothing but his memories, and 3. Go-Karting with his adult son. I’m getting a real Rose for Emily vibe from Bruce this season.

5. Scott Disick

Kourtney deigned to swing by her baby-daddy’s bedroom, which is completely covered in white. She was wearing a head-wrap. Scott said: “You almost look like royalty. I feel like I’m in Coming to America.” Ah, young love!

6. Kendall and Kylie

Kendall overcame her fear of talking to strangers. “I feel like I can talk to people now,” she said. “And get candy from strangers!” It’s a good thing Kendall is matched up with Kylie, who seems like a relatively well-adjusted child. (“Relatively” = she was raised in a family consumed by intra-sibling trench warfare.)

7. Khloé Kardashian

A voice of reason over iChat. Pray she stays in Dallas forever.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

Read more:

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
  • TV Show
  • 20