SoundBites: April 20, 2012

”Even though this woman claims she won Mega Millions, surveillance footage shows the ticket was purchased by a man. So either she’s lying or we’re all trapped inside the new Tyler Perry movie.” — Conan O’Brien, on a Maryland woman’s claims she won the Mega Millions lottery, on Conan

”You guys were one of my top three favorite Chicago-based all-male Madonna cover bands. Right up there with Madonald and Material Earl.” — Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) to Max (Adam Pally), on his Madonna tribute band, Mandonna, on Happy Endings

”I told myself the same thing before my night with the Australian women’s softball team. That ended with a fractured rib and a tattoo of a kangaroo I didn’t discover I had for a month.” — Chuck (Ed Westwick), after Nate (Chace Crawford) says he’s ready for battle with Diana Payne (Elizabeth Hurley), on Gossip Girl

”I don’t mean to be boastful, but my mucosal plug is superb.” — Brennan (Emily Deschanel), after Booth (David Boreanaz) says he’s concerned about complications with her pregnancy, on Bones

”A 23-year-old man has become the youngest person ever to be named a Lego Master Model Builder. Said the man’s parents, ‘Move out.”’ — Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live‘s ”Weekend Update”