Credit: Mike Carano

If the Mr. Universe competition were judged not on muscles but on jokes about questionable food and slothfulness, Jim Gaffigan would totally dominate. Instead, though, that hilarious and decidedly non-tan comedian — you may recognize him from My Boys, That ’70s Show, the animated Pale Force, any late-night talk show, or three versions of Law & Order — will just have to make do with being an unofficial king of comedy. And he’s about to hold court with a new stand-up special, Mr. Universe, which hits your computers today.

Following the Louis CK model of financing your own special and selling it directly to fans on your website, Gaffigan is offering up a 75-minute show that he shot in Washington, D.C., in February only at For $5, you can enjoy his riffs on everything from welcoming a fourth child to your family (“If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth, just imagine you’re drowning… and then someone hands you a baby”), to the giants of the sea (“Do you think when whales get older, they have less control over their blowholes?”), to McDonald’s (“Without McDonald’s, how do I communicate to the world that I give up?”). He also cracks wise on indoor pools, health clubs, and Disney World; plus, he even scolds himself for a diarrhea joke in that patented high-pitched audience voice!

So, should you stop reading this story, whip out your credit card, and start the downloading process? Not so fast — Jim actually thinks that you may NOT want to buy Mr. Universe. Here are his eight reasons why:

1. Do not download Mr. Universe if you don’t have internet access or a computer, or maybe even electricity.

Maybe you’re Amish and you’re not allowed to use electricity. Maybe buying my special for only $5 would get you in big trouble. Maybe the other Amish kinfolk wouldn’t show up if you were raising a barn: “O thou boughtest the Hot Pocket Guy’s new special, Mr. Universe, on the evil Internet. I cannot help thee raise thy barn.” I certainly don’t want that to happen. Don’t buy it.

2. Do not download Mr. Universe if you hate veterans, and their families.

Twenty percent of all my sales ($1 of every $5) will go directly to the Bob Woodruff Foundation that helps veterans and their families. Since you have such hatred for the brave men and women that served this country, this is not the special for you. You should download a special of someone who supports Al Qaeda, like Louis CK.

3. Do not download Mr. Universe if you don’t understand irony.

i.e. If you actually think Louis CK supports Al Qaeda, don’t buy Mr. Universe.

4. Do not download Mr. Universe if you don’t understand English.

During my 75-minute performance I say a couple of Spanish words and speak a little Whale, but mostly it’s in English. Granted, if you didn’t understand English you probably wouldn’t be reading this. Wait, you understand English. You’re funny. You should buy Mr. Universe.

5. Do not download Mr. Universe if you think women should be able to drive, vote, or own cattle.

Looks like I got your attention. Obviously I’m joking. Women should be allowed to own cattle if their husband has died. Actually, my wife Jeannie helped me write all the material in Mr. Universe and I have to tell you she is a terrific maid. Kidding again. She’s not that great of maid.

6. Do not download Mr. Universe if you are planning on stealing it.

I’m sure you’re looking forward to the horrific karmic consequences of stealing money from wounded veterans and starving children. Well, my four kids might not be starving but sometimes they say, “Dad, I’m starving!” Definitely go ahead and steal it and enjoy living with the most evil, horrible person on earth — yourself.

7. Do not download Mr. Universe if you can’t part with five dollars.

Instead of owning 75 minutes of all-new stand-up material that you could put on any device without restriction, you’d rather get a nasty foot-long sub sandwich at Subway or put a down payment on a cup of coffee at a W Hotel. You like misappropriating your funds and therefore you don’t deserve to own Mr. Universe. You know what, don’t buy Mr. Universe. Who needs you? I’m just kidding. I like you. You and I are friends. Well, we both read But, let’s face it, you’re cheap.

8. Do not download Mr. Universe if you really, really, really like dragons.

I don’t know anything about people that really, really, really like dragons, but I’d imagine maybe they’d be like, “Does he talk about dragons in Mr. Universe? If not then I’m not going to buy it. Now I have to go and get another dragon tattoo.” Well, sorry, weird dragon lovers, I don’t talk about dragons in Mr. Universe. Even though I do look like I could be related to the white blond people on Game of Thrones. By the way, I can’t wait to see what happens to that Shakira-looking girl and her baby dragons. I guess I do really, really, really like dragons too.

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