Hollywoodandswine.com lampoons stars of the big and small screens
  • Movie

No one is safe in Tinseltown, thanks to hollywoodandswine.com, an Onion-esque website that pokes fun at the people and projects making entertainment news. Launched in January by a pair of comedy writers, the site uses satirical news stories to skewer big-name stars and industry power players. (No wonder the scribes prefer to stay anonymous.) A look at their best headlines.

Producers of HBO’s ‘Luck’ Baffled as to Why 3 Horses Died, Yet Nick Nolte is Still Alive
”Every time we heard there was a death on the set, we were sure it was Nolte,” said David Milch, the show’s creator and executive producer. ”A few weeks ago, we really thought he was dead, but it turned out he had just taken a horse tranquilizer.”

Nicolas Cage Fires Sixth Grader Responsible For Picking His Movie Roles
In what many in Hollywood are calling Nicolas Cage’s best career move in ages, the Oscar-winning actor has fired 12-year-old Joey Thompson, a sixth grade student, who has been in charge of picking Cage’s film roles for the last several years.

Jennifer Lopez’s Nipple Tapped to Host Next Year’s Oscarcast
”Our first choice was Angelina Jolie’s leg,” said Academy president Tom Sherak. ”But since that wasn’t available, we decided Jennifer Lopez’s nipple was the next best thing.”

Disney Desperate to Save Sci-Fi Epic: Renames it ”Tyler Perry’s John Carter”
Like most of America, Perry had never heard of ”John Carter,” but did say he went to high school with someone named Bob Carter.

Spielberg Set to Direct Spielberg Biopic
Admitting he was running out of historical and cultural icons to make movies about, Steven Spielberg announced plans for a biopic about legendary director Steven Spielberg.

John Carter
  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • 132 minutes
  • Andrew Stanton