If you were ever an immature 13-year-old, you may have amused yourself by highlighting the most salacious passages in your assigned school texts (Flowers for Algernon, anyone?) Even better for snicker-inducing turns of phrase? Romance novels. Romance authors constantly have to think of different ways to describe sex acts in interesting, non-pornographic ways, and that can sometimes involve awkward metaphors and flat dialogue. It’s basically a requirement of the genre that the writing be both intentionally and unintentionally hilarious. As the biggest erotica novel in recent memory, Fifty Shades of Grey will no doubt attract some readers who are looking for an ironic laugh — as well as naughty thrills — from E L James’ depiction of bondage-obsessed billionaire Christian Grey and meek, inexperienced college student Anastasia Steele. Here are some of the funniest lines:

Christian introduces the real main character of the novel to Anastasia: “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

What Anastasia feels about Christian’s cherished body part: “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle.” “Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty…”

Anastasia voices what many women think about E L James’ book series: “This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.”

Christian philosophizes on the roots of his odd sexual preferences: “Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?”

Ana makes frequent references to her “inner goddess,” the adventurous, sex-crazed part of her psyche that eggs her on to go farther with Christian. Some of the nympho-maniacal deity’s best moments: “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” “My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.” “My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms shouting yes at me.” “My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream.”

On the opposite side of Ana’s psyche is her prudish, super-judgmental subconscious. Some of her most c—-blocking moments: “My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho.’ I ignore her.” “Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down again. Up and down like whores’ drawers, my subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go.”

Ana marvels at Christian’s bondage skills: “Some boy scout he must have been to learn these knots.”

We told you this book was kinky: “He then starts on my right foot, repeating the whole, seductive, mind-blowing process.” “He’s going to kiss me there! I know it. And part of me is glowing in the anticipation.”

“It slips down my throat, all seawater, salt, the sharp tang of citrus, and fleshiness… ooh. I lick my lips, and he’s watching me intently, his eyes hooded.” Get your mind out of the gutter — she’s talking about oysters.

This is one way to put it: “I’m losing all sense of self, every atom of my being concentrating hard on that small, potent powerhouse at the apex of my thighs.”

Perhaps the last thing you want to hear after a wild romp: “Sh–! It’s my mother.”

Christian refers to his first time with Ana as “vanilla sex.” Ana begs to differ: “I thought it was chocolate hot fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on top. But hey, what do I know?”

A few one-liners from Ana’s no-nonsense roommate Kate: “What’s wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?” “You have dreadful sex hair.”

Ana utters a truth: “I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible.”

Ana sees her beau in a whole new light after he gives a passionate speech about Darfur: “Poor, f—ed up, kinky, philanthropic Christian.”

Christian sees every side of Ana: “Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.”

An ode to a magical substance: “I found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your behind.” “Christian squirts baby oil onto his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness — from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.”

This is only a small taste. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey yet? What are your favorite lines?

Follow Stephan on Twitter: @EWStephanLee

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Fifty Shades of Grey (Book)
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