By Breia Brissey
March 23, 2012 at 04:15 AM EDT
Ali Goldstein/NBC
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Another Thursday night with two new 30 Rock episodes? What have we done right to deserve this? (Ed. note: I’d still rather have one 30 Rock and one Parks and Rec in the same night. Is that too much to ask, NBC? Probably.) Disgruntled-ness aside, I’m still pleased with the double dose of Liz Lemon & Co. In lieu of a traditional recap — and to spare you the likely 2,000 words I’d write about an hour’s worth of TV — I’ve just picked out the best lines and moments from last night’s episodes. So let’s get right to it.

First up, we had “Grandmentor,” where Liz learned that mentoring is not an exact science. Maybe it’s just me, but I find Hazel more creepy than funny. But there where still a lot of great moments: Kenneth dove deeper into the crevasse to ensure Tracy was being taken care of. And Jack developed an idea to get Avery’s story back in the news.

++ “We found that if someone is actually on NBC, they’re four percent more likely to watch it.” —Jack

++ Jack: “Read the essays, Lemon. It’s not going to kill you.”

Liz: “Really? Cause this one is typed on the inside of a bloody halter top.”

++ Jack: “And as it turns out, Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles.”

Liz: “That explains all the vigils. Ugh. That is a good scam.”

++ “I will do whatever it takes to keep Avery’s plight in the public eye. Even go and see Matt Lauer’s band. It’s blues rock, Lemon. It’s called Rhythm and News.”

++ “Remember when we used to be the world leader in baby cuteness?” —Jack, after learning about the mining accident in China that featured puppies and babies

++ “No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television. No more Krang!” —Liz

++ “Are you sure? Cause I took one of those ‘which Gossip Girl are you?’ quizzes, and it said I was the dad’s guitar.” —Liz

++ Liz’s multiple references to Hilary Swank in The Next Karate Kid: “Fighting not good. But if must fight, win.”

++ Learning Wolf Blitzer’s “real name” is Steel Hammerhands

++ “I want you to hire a giant to stand in the background of every scene I’m in to make me look daintier. It works. That’s why Lamar Odom married that giant Kardashian girl.” —Jenna

++ “Okay, here’s a little bedroom tip. Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way, when you’re done you have a treat!” —Liz

++ “You’re not a lead, Gabe. At best, you’re a featured extra with no lines.” —Jack, to the featured extra with no lines, Gabe

++ Jack: “I know it’s short notice, but I would consider it a personal favor after six years listening to you complain about how there so few women on death row.”

Liz: “Is it a coincidence? Or is the system sexist?”

++ “We’re on a show within a show! My real name is Tracy Morgan!” —Tracy, going “crazy”

++ Liz randomly selecting Joran van der Sloot to win the essay contest

NEXT: The best of “Kidnapped by Danger”…

In the second episode, “Kidnapped by Danger,” TGS took a backseat to the made-for-TV movie, Kidnapped by Danger: The Avery Jessup Story, brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Pride Bladder Control Pads. Pride: Make every room a bathroom. Jenna nabbed the role as Avery, and a slew of guest stars showed up to be in the movie within the show.

++ The other Pride Bladder Control Pads slogans. “Pride: The world is your toilet.” “Pride: Have a private sewer in your pants.”

++ Weird Al guest starred! And he parodied Jenna’s “Kidnapped” with “Knapsack.”

++ “My father wore this to his high school prom. The theme was enchantment under the Jim Crow laws.” —Kenneth

++ “We’re always looking for the next generation of janitors. Throw your resume away on the fourth floor, and we’ll be in touch.” —The janitor telling Kenneth how to apply for a job

++ William Baldwin playing Jack in the made-for-TV movie. It was perfect casting for obvious and completely comedic reasons.

++ Cynthia Nixon playing Julianne Moore’s Nancy Donovan

++ Jenna: “Unless I write a song that can’t be parodied.”

Tracy: “Impossible! What do you think Phil Collins was trying to do with ‘Sussudio?'”

Jenna: “Which Weird Al famously parodied as ‘Soup Supio.'”

++ “You took the facts and you twisted them like Chubby Checker took the traditional standing dance and made a mockery of it with the Twist.” —Jack

++ Jack: “You clearly have no idea how to write romance.”

Liz: “Hey, you wouldn’t say that if you read my Mythbusters fan fiction. It is sexy.”

++ “It’s crass, Jack. Like personalized wedding vows or standing up in a pool.” —Diana

++ “I’m going to go freshen up. The train was disgusting. I flew here, but I saw a train from the window.” —Diana

++ “Was that supposed to be me saying that? Because I would never use that much math in complimenting a woman. Their brains can’t handle it.” —Jack

++ The shot of Jack’s office that was supposed to be the set of the movie, and his subsequent cuts looking out his window

++ Jenna’s appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon singing her song about pizza and farts. “Yankovic. He reversed the parody! He normal-Al’d us!”

++ Jack: “No matter what happens, you always keep your chin up.”

Kenneth: “Medically, it’s a neck ridge.”

++ “Everyone lies to themselves. I mean, I refuse to buy larger underwear, and it looks like when you tie a string around a roast.” —Liz

++ Weird Al’s lyrics to the 30 Rock theme music in the episode’s tag:

“That’s right/The program is over/So now you can talk/Trash about it and vent your rage/On your Twitter and Facebook page/Won’t you/Join us again next week?/At 30 Rockefeller Plaza NYC/Where the ratings are [awesome]/Remarkably somehow/We’re still on the air/We’ll just/Keeping doing this whether/You like it or not./We really do, love our fans, yes, both of you.”

What did you think of tonight’s two episodes? Which was your favorite? Do you like Hazel as a character? And which makes for a better Halloween costume? Mitt Rommummy or Mitt Zombie? I’m sure I left out some of your favorite lines and moments, so sound off with your top picks in the comments below.

Breia on Twitter

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Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and Tracy Morgan star in the Emmy-winning comedy. You want to go to there.
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