By Darren Franich
Updated March 13, 2012 at 04:57 PM EDT

Taylor Kitsch knows you are having your doubts about Taylor Kitsch. He knows his first big movie — directed by a beloved Pixar director, based on a beloved sci-fi series, financed by the GDP of a small country — turned into The Legend of Jumpin’ Space-Conan. He knows people are already beginning to forget that he was the Eastwood of Friday Night Lights. He knows he’s staring down the barrel of Expendables 3: The New Class. But guess what? He’s still going to conquer the world. And if he can’t have it…no one can!

That’s the takeaway from the new trailer for Kitsch’s next quarter-billion-dollar movie Battleship. In stark contrast to earlier trailers, which made the movie look like Transformers with more water, the new spot gamely strives to make Battleship look like the most decadent pop confection of the decade. There’s an evil alien (or Atlantean?) wearing Mass Effect armor; there’s Hong Kong getting Emmerich’d; there’s Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker and Alexander Skarsgard and Liam Neeson, all preparing for their upcoming half-naked front-cover photos in GQ and Vogue and Esquire and Cigar Aficionado. And at the center of it all is Taylor Kitsch, who has cut off his hair to spite your face. Hey, it can’t be worse than John Carter.*

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • 131 minutes