John Carter Earth
Credit: Frank Connor
  • Movie

Considering that the John Carters of the world have a name only slightly less vanilla than the John Smiths, it seems only natural that these men should stick together in solidarity to support their fellow namesake. That’s why MovieFone questioned the John Carters of Earth about whether they would go see John Carter, the Disney sci-fi epic opening today.

The must-have-been-awkward straw poll includes random responses from more than 40 John Carters from across the United States, some of whom were too dead to answer. Here were some of the highlights:

John Carter of Connecticut: “There’s a movie coming out called John Carter?”

John Carter of Missouri: “No, I’m not. How did you get this number?”

John Carter of Washington: “We saw it on Monday. We won an online contest for people named John Carter. I liked it, but I didn’t realize it was a comedy.” (Heads up: it’s not a comedy.)

John Carter of Nevada: “No, I’m not going to see it. Why the hell would I want to see John Carter? Someone else will go see it and tell me about it. I’m not spending $15 to see no damn movie.”

John Carter of Montana: “I will not. I live in rural Montana and the closest movie theater is 160 miles away.”

John Carter of Utah: “Yes, we were invited to the premiere and already saw it. It was better than expected. We were worried that it would be awful and our name would be forever tarnished.”

John Carter of North Carolina: “We are. And we’re all really excited about it. Though, John Carter Sr. probably won’t. He’s 90 and that would be a little much for him.”

John Carter of Tennessee: “Yes, because everybody’s giving me a ration about it. I wish they would have named it something else because I have a weird background and now people keep accusing me of being reincarnated.”

John Carter of Iowa: “Probably not. I don’t have time. One I’d really like to see is Ghost Rider 2, but I haven’t even had time to do that. You know, I used to read a series of books called John Carter of Mars back in 1973, I used to trade them with my neighbor.” [After being told the movie is based on those books.] “Oh… I wondered if it was, but I wasn’t sure. Yeah, I probably won’t see it.”

John Carter of North Dakota: “Golly sakes, the nearest theater is 50 miles away. I’ll probably see it. Is it about football?”

John Carter of Wyoming: “John Carter? John Carter hasn’t lived here in over 15 years.”

John Carter of New Hampshire: “John Carter died.”

PopWatchers, do you know any John Carters, and do they plan to see the movie this weekend?

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John Carter
  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • 132 minutes
  • Andrew Stanton