'30 Rock': Confessions of a teenage nemesis
Standards and Practices wouldn’t allow me to write a full recap. They took away all the good words! Those, dingbats! So let’s briefly recall what happened in last night’s “Standards and Practices” before jumping right in to the night’s best moments and lines.
Hank Hooper returned with granddaughter Kaylie in tow. As you should recall, Kaylie (played by Chloë Grace Moretz) is Jack Donaghy’s nemesis. So when Hank left to deal with the aftermath of America’s Kidz Got Singing airing two inebriated children on live television, Jack Versus Kaylie Round Two: No Subtitle Necessary began. They went back and forth, each one-upping the other in trickery. But at the end of the episode, there was still no clear winner in this battle. We’ll just have to wait for round three.
While Jack was dealing with Kaylie, Liz was battling Kenneth (or Andromakennethamblesorten, if you want to use his full Christian name) over the aforementioned Standards and Practices rules. This resulted in a power of wills that ended with Liz pretending to be Kenneth Toilethole, a man who gives advice while in toilet stalls, and as such, has to go to the bathroom a lot. (Particularly when Kenneth Toilethole goes to dinner with Liz and Kenneth.) Liz learned to respect Kenneth Parcell, even if he wouldn’t let her say “fart” or “doctor,” pretty much negating her Fart Doctor sketch.
Meanwhile, Jenna was looking for a different kind of publicity, you know, the kind that would humanize her. Her plan A was to fake cry on America’s Kidz Got Singing, but when that didn’t work out, she decided on plan B: Seek out possible children from her previous egg donations. Nothing is more humanizing than motherhood, right? As it turns out, she has six children. Also, as it turns out, this particularly story line wasn’t really interesting or funny. That said, I would potentially be interested in the Bravo reality series with her spawn. So now let’s get to the real reason you all came here…
NEXT: The night’s best moments and lines…
++ “Last time I was this excited was this morning. I saw a cat wearing the same sweater as its person.” —Hank (why didn’t we get to see this?)
++ “Not that it matters. Even if Brock doesn’t win, he is going to get a record contract. So it definitely doesn’t matter. This isn’t the last we will be seeing of Brock.” —Lemon (and everyone who’s ever watched a reality singing competition)
++ “Kidz is a hit the whole family can watch together. Not your usual sitcom crap full of gratuitous vulgarity and pratfalls.” —Jack (this was immediately followed by a pratfall and “Oh, my penis!”)
++ Jenna calling the children on America’s Kidz Got Talent “little condom accidents”
++ “NBC sinks even lower, scientists baffled!” —The headline during Thomas Roberts’ MSNBC news broadcast
++ “I’ve already detained Brock and Ava under the Patriot Act. People have forgotten about that thing, but any white male can arrest any other person.” —Jack
++ “And a wonderful new show from D.L. Hughley that’s already been canceled.” —The newly promoted Kenneth after NBC’s big “cluster whoops”
++ “I feel like Oscar the Grouch today and not just because I woke up in a garbage can this morning startling someone name Gordon.” —Tracy
++ “Don’t adopt. That child is better off living in Somalia. It could be a pirate or a warlord’s concubine!” —Lemon telling Jenna not to adopt
++ “She’s just so cool, like a human silly band.” —Ava describing Kaylie
++ “I’m surprised they let you say doctor. It’s so close to gynecologist, which is disgusting.” —Kenneth
++ Jack tribute to Inspector Clouseau by hiring a Cato
++ Lemon’s nemesis: Auto correct. “I was trying to say pen organizer!”
++ “I once took a log with googly eyes to a father/son picnic.” —Jack
++ Liz hurting her boobs after running into that prop cactus on set
++ “Once again, Lemon, I leave your office more confused than when I entered, but having glimpsed yet another tile in the rich mosaic that is your menstrual history.” —Jack
That’s a wrap, folks! What was your favorite moment/line from the night? I know I left some good stuff off. Sound off in the comments before. If you don’t, you could be arrested under the Patriot Act.Follow Breia on Twitter