By Darren Franich
Updated February 29, 2012 at 07:08 PM EST

My fellow citizens, we all know that every district of Panem creates something useful, for the greater glory of our beloved overseers in the Capitol. District 10 breeds livestock. District 8 manufactures textiles. District 4 is filled with fishermen — and I’m sure we can all agree that they deserve our respect for nobly sacrificing themselves to a life of swimming around poking at fish with their adorable tridents. But with all due respect to our brothers and sisters, their Districts would all fall into ruin without one key ingredient: Lumber.

That’s where we come in. Hunger Games studio Lionsgate has anointed Entertainment Weekly as the proud, official sponsor of the most important district in Panem: District 7 (check it out!). Home to a society of sly lumberjacks, denizens of District 7 spend their days slicing our way through a host of useless trees. In District 7, teenagers don’t get a driver’s license: they get a hatchet license. Did I say “teenagers”? I meant “babies,” because as soon as a District 7 child can form basic mouth noises, we set them to work. We’re not barbarians. Our children do go to school. But District 7, “school” is a pine forest, and a “diploma” is “the happy feeling that comes over you when you’ve chopped down your hundredth pine tree.”

Notable District 7 citizens include Johanna Mason, the conniving winner of a recent Hunger Games who is well-regarded by Hunger-heads for her wicked ability to murder, and also Blight, another Hunger Games winner whose parents clearly had a bleak sense of humor.

Because we men and women of District 7 are good and strong and true and proficient in axe-swinging, we will be hosting advance screenings of the upcoming Hunger Games film in Seattle and Atlanta. If you’re from those cities, and you’re a lumber-loving pine-hatcheting District 7 partisan, use hashtag: #HungerGames24SEA or #HungerGames24ATL. Heck, even if you’re not from those cities, you can probably find an advance screening of The Hunger Games hosted by one of the other Districts. Learn more about the advance-screening sweepstakes here.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

The Hunger Games

  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • Gary Ross