Life is tough. But you probably don’t actually need a helmet unless you, like Travis, fractured your skull while dogboarding (patent pending). Don’t worry, he’s totally fine. He just has to wear a dorky helmet for a while.** We didn’t get to see the accident, but Travis recounted it for us while recovering in the hospital: “I’m sure panties will drop when girls find out I was being pulled by my dog on a skateboard, saw a monarch butterfly, and said, ‘Hey you’re not native to Florida!’ CRASH.”
Meanwhile, Grayson felt neglected by Jules’ all-wedding-all-the-time attitude. He was only No. 5 on her speed dial, and he was really missing out on affection/general human contact. A trip to the dog park couldn’t even cure his loneliness. Eventually, all of Jules’ wedding attention shifted to Travis’ aforementioned injury: “It doesn’t seem like you’ve been paying a lot of attention to me lately,” he complained to Jules. But he lost that battle before it began. “Sweetie, let me turn down the volume of my son’s heart monitor so I can focus on you better.” I guess she can’t handle The Truth.
In less depressing plot developments, the gang added Dominance Ball to their repertoire of games. The rules are pretty simple. If someone’s not looking, you peg them with a ball to establish dominance. Everyone—even girls—can play. The game looked pretty fun, but I have to say I’m missing Penny Can(!). It’s been far too lacking this season.
**At the Cougar Town Paley Center event in NYC a couple of weeks ago, the show’s co-creators Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel explained the Travis helmet joke: They just didn’t like Dan Byrd’s hair! They requested that he cut his long locks, but he didn’t want to. And now, he’s paying the price by wearing a helmet for the next few episodes.
NEXT PAGE: The night’s best moments and lines…
++ All the fun facts we learned about Tom
Galifianakis Gabba Gabba Hay Gazoo Gazoinks Gazelian. He’s a neurosurgeon with two kids. Bryce is a Marine. Haley is in law school.
++ This week’s title card joke: “This is not the Simpsons chalkboard bit. This is not the Simpson’s chalkboard bit. This is not the Simpsons chalkboard bit.”
++ The caveman-style family dinner, mostly because it made me crave mashed potatoes. “Gravy chaser!”
++ “I would totally date a guy with no feet. It’d just be one less gross thing for me to deal with.” —Laurie
++ Andy “You mock me. Yet my life is your future, my friend. A solitary march to the grave. A man ignored.”
Grayson: “No woman can ignore The Truth.”
Andy: “Did you just call your body The Truth?”
Grayson: “I did. And I did it unironically.”
++ Jules: “Girls are going to think you’re a total badass.”
Ellie: “That’s true. Back in college, I was a sucker for injuries. If a guy had a scar or a missing finger we just did stuff. I miss being a hoe.”
Laurie: “You want back in? Cause we’ll take you back.”
++ Grayson’s motorcycle accident scar was really from a curling iron. “It was the ’90s! Shut up!”
++ Laurie: “I agree. And I don’t even have kids.”
Ellie: “You probably do. One could have dropped out while you were skanking around town.”
++ The issue date on Tom’s hospital ID was May 21, 2012. The expiration date was May 20, 2009!
++ “I almost died once at an amusement park. I got strangled by an animatronic bear. Turns out when you throw a whole cup of soda on them, those things go crazy. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but they actually had to shoot it.” —Laurie
++ “When you’re 80, and I’m telling everyone that I’m 90 and getting away with it, by the way, I will still lay awake at night in the nursing home where we live together waiting for you to get home.” —Jules
++ “Someone added a name to the guest list. T. Gazelian. Who the hell is that?” —Jules
What did you think of “Lover’s Touch?” If you didn’t like this post, I’m just going to give you a blanket sorry. But I hope that you’ll comment anyway to share your favorite cul-de-sac crew moment. And just for kicks, enjoy this clip I used for my headline inspiration.