By Lanford Beard
Updated February 07, 2012 at 06:08 PM EST
Rob Carr/Getty Images

On the heels of her halftime performance at the most watched Super Bowl (and, indeed, TV program) of all time, Madonna has announced a tour that will cover five continents — including, yes, her own.

Her Madgesty’s first foray on the road since 2008’s Sticky & Sweet tour will begin May 29 in Tel Aviv, and the European leg will finish on Aug. 21 in Nice, France, with North American dates (including a final stop in Miami) yet to be announced UPDATE: Find the stops, beginning Aug. 28 in Philadelphia, here.

After Sunday’s Gladiator-cum-varsity-pep-squad-cum-choir-loft monstrosity (unlike EW critic Ken Tucker, I was not bowled over), we’re left to do wonder: What will Madonna pull out this time? Below, some ideas — good, bad, and otherwise — for the tour.

Having seen a few Madonna tours in my day, it’s clear Her Madgesty never goes low-key. She should have a name befitting the anticipation for her first tour in three years. I suggest the Masterpiece Tour. That song is great — unlike a certain chantable Toni Basil-meets-Katy Perry knock-off — and won a Golden Globe. This name will set the tone: Madonna runs this place. (Like we didn’t know that already.)

From her Jean-Paul Gaultier geisha costumes to her complex staging, Madonna made the concert tour spectacular an essential. (You’re welcome, Britney, Taylor, and Gaga.) This was most flawlessly executed during the Ray of Light era. December’s release of “Masterpiece” briefly harkened back to the sound and sensibility of that time, when motherhood inspired a more grown-up Madge.

Fourteen years later, she’s in a cheerleader uniform, bopping around with pompons — did I miss something? This is not to say Madonna needs to embark on some sort of candlelit-club tour. After all, Ray of Light had some iconic danceries on it. Just try to stay away any staging ideas that would also fit in the same sentence comfortably with Selena Gomez or Rebecca Black.

Also, I’m sorry to say it, but the Pilateseography has gotten old and, frankly, a little weird. Yes, Madonna, we know you can wrap your foot around the back of your body and scratch your nose with your pinky toe. We’ve known for years.

You are the kind of one-in-a-million performer who can own the stage without trying to keep up with dancers who are 30-plus years younger. If Britney can slow down on the choreography, so can you, Madge. Keep the spectacle (Pina-like, mind-blowing use of 3-D? Yes, please!), but leave the gratuitous crotch thrusts to the young’uns. Abu Dhabi will be a more peaceful place for it.

That said, bring it on costumes. If I’m paying hundreds of dollars for a ticket, I want my payback in sparkle and spandex. Put the “material” back in Material Girl.

What do you think, Madonna fans? What do you want to see on this upcoming tour?

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