By Breia Brissey
Updated February 02, 2012 at 12:00 PM EST
Ali Goldstein/NBC

30 Rock

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Another Thursday means another all-new 30 Rock, and today, my fellow PopWatchers, you become men. Or something like that. In “Today You Are a Man” Liz Lemon’s incompetent agent, Simon, returned to tell her that her contract was about to expire. Jack had sent a new one for her to sign, but Lemon decided it was time to negotiate with the big boys. With help from Jack Donaghy’s own self-help tapes, Liz set out to get that 5 percent merchandising she deserves. What could possibly go wrong?

Meanwhile, Tracy and Jenna went to perform at their accountant’s son’s bar mitzvah. (Now everyone please stop what you’re doing and sing with me: “Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary…”) It didn’t go so well, since Adam wanted Gina Gershon at his party, and not the C-list TGS stars. Not surprisingly, Tracy and Jenna were not good a reenacting transformers or the Fox football robot. It’s also worth noting that they did a terrible/amazing rendition of “What’s The Guy’s Name Who Plays First Base?” a.k.a. “Who’s On First?” to us commoners.

And our poor page Kenneth was upset because he’s underappreciated as the TGS page. They don’t even treat him like a dog! So he swapped page assignments with Hazel Wassername (Kristen Schaal). Hazel joined TGS, and Kenneth went to work for The Suze Orman Show. There, Suze convinced Kenneth to quit the page program to get a new job and make some real money. He doesn’t have any marketable skills other than being a page, but he’s a white male with hair. The sky’s the limit!

UP NEXT: The night’s best lines

I tried to pick just 10, but let’s be honest, that’s just too hard for a show filled with so many good quotes! So without further ado, here are the episodes best lines and exchanges:

++ Kenneth: “Did you miss me yesterday, Ms. Lemon?”

Liz: “Awesome. Great story.”

++ “If I were still there, I would control every aspect of that project. Planning. Oversight. Morale boosting T-shirts indicating everyone survived a certain barbecue.” —Jack (and someone get me one of those T-shirts!)

++ “Well, for starters, I would like a hospital bed in my office. A real one. I don’t care if it’s against the law to re-sell them.” —Liz, who else?

++ Liz: “Call my assistant to set up a meeting.”

Jack: “And by your assistant, you mean you with a British accent?”

Liz: “I have a new assistant. She’s a cool college student from [tries and fails at an accent] South Africa. Yeah, she’ll be British.”

++ The accountant: “Adam is going to be so excited to meet with you. He is a huge, huge fan.”

Tracy: “Yes. Many of our viewers are obese.”

++ “But you gotta roll with the punches, just like my hero, Ivan Drago, from Rocky 4.” —Hazel

++ “Finally my client gets 5 percent gross merchandising, where gross means income before expenses and not gross like apples on a sandwich.” —Simon

++ Suze Orman: “How much do you make?”

Kenneth: “I’m not sure. My church requires a 110 percent tithe.”

Suze: “How old are you?”

Kenneth: “Don’t worry about it.”

Suze: “How much have you saved?”

Kenneth: “Are you taking about saving squirrels from hawks? Zero.”

++ “Hair movement is a sign of weakness.” —Jack

++ “Jack Donaghy playing with himself. It’s a Jack-off.” —Jack

++ “Any girl would want to dance with you. You’re rich, and you’re fat. So you’ll die young. Women love that.” —Jenna

++ “You didn’t realize emotion could be a weapon? Have you not read the poetry of Jewel?” —Liz

++ “The point is, you had Liz/Jack on your side. That’s why, he/me beat Kabletown Jack. Until me/I turned the tables on you/you.” —Jack explaining his contract negotiations with Liz

And that’s a wrap. Just so you know, I tried to email Liz Lemon at As of now, I haven’t heard back. Also, doesn’t exist. I checked that one out, too. The more you know, guys. Will Kenneth find luck at another job? And what was your favorite moment from the episode? I know I’ve left some quality gems off the list. So sound off in the comments below. If you do, I might just send you a trio of popcorns!

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30 Rock

Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and Tracy Morgan star in the Emmy-winning comedy. You want to go to there.
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