To toast Greg Gutfeld's fifth anniversary as host of ''Red Eye,'' Fox News Channel's riotous 3 a.m. roundtable of politics and pop culture, we asked him to share five things he's figured out over a half decade


Someone will always be offended.
We joked about these real animals called sugar gliders. There’s, like, a sugar-glider association; they said I was a jerk. No matter what the subject, there’s a group waiting to take offense.

Don’t eat street-vendor food before a show.
You feel like throwing up before you go on TV anyway. Why throw food with vague ingredients into that mix?

Drunk guests are not good ones.
Some guests take a pop or two or three, out of nervousness. Then you can’t shut ’em up. They think they’re doing a great job; they’re not.

You look funny on TV.
You can go your whole life thinking you’re okay-looking, but when you get a show, suddenly everyone wants to point out, ”Hey, you have a big crease in your forehead!” Thanks.

The better you get at doing television, the worse you become in real life.
Being on TV almost every night, it’s draining; you invest a lot of emotional energy. So when you’re away from the camera, you slowly become worse as a real person. You look at your friends or family and think, ”You’re not on TV, why should I talk to you?” It’s horrible. I know, I’ll try to be a better man.