Survivor: One World unveiled the 18 fresh contestants who will compete for this season’s $1 million prize, and, as always, I’m eager to meet the new faces and get to know the quirky, abrasive, and filter-free personalities. But to be honest, I’m mostly interested in what they’re wearing — in particular, their swimsuits. Mind you, not in a leering, mouth-breathing way, but in a total practical sense. In a few weeks, Sports Illustrated will present its annual swimsuit issue, and every skimpy “swimsuit” will be tagged and priced in the fine print, so, you know, you can order and surprise your honey with the same suit that looked so good on Irina Shayk. That always works out for the best.
Survivor, on the other hand, offers more practical options. Yes, the contestants skew Attractive, but even the most glamorous of them aren’t supermodel aliens — they’re merely the Best-Looking-Person-You-Went-to-High-School-With Attractive. There’s greater variety, though, in age, size, and body type, and since these folks have to prepare to be active, there needs to be certain degree of functionality to their swimwear. So you can very easily imagine your wife or girlfriend wearing one of these suits while playing Pro Kadima at the beach or holding one kid’s head above water while wiping the suntan lotion out of the other kid’s eyes. Somehow, those images never make it into SI.
I won’t reveal which bikini my wife might be wearing this summer, but once again, Survivor has given me some stylish and relatively modest ideas.
I’m the only person who does this, right?