Just a little more than four hours until my inner feminist gives me the finger for relishing every second of the Miss America pageant. The cheesy lighting, the horrible swimsuits matched with mall pumps, the goal of attaining a sash and a tacky bouquet of flowers masked as a scholarship. Is there any redeeming value to this show, now in its 91st year? Will we see some display of talent or ability to put one foot in front of the other that we have never seen before? Normally, I would say no. But this year I have learned that Miss Hawaii, Lauren Cheape, won Thursday night’s preliminary competition (What? You thought all the talent of these 50 ladies could be contained to one night? There have been three days leading up to tonight’s bonanza!) for a jumprope routine performance to the theme from Hawaii-Five-0. That is not a slow song, people. It’s not like she jumped rope to the theme of Dallas. Not convinced Miss America is worth your time? Allow me to
overcompensate convince you: If nothing else, watching tonight’s parade of bedazzled and bejeweled evening gowns with prepare us for tomorrow night’s Golden Globes where the inevitable sartorial train wrecks will look positively elegant by comparison. And besides, I trust Miss America judges Mike Fleiss (the hilarious creator of The Bachelor), Kris Jenner (the unintentionally hilarious birther to the Kardashians), and Mark Ballas (eh, he’s not that hilarious on Dancing With the Stars, but he knows how to work spandex) a hell of a lot more than the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
What do you all think? Will you be watching Miss America tonight or would you rather be caught dead cheering for someone who equates jumping rope with genuine talent?