Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBS

According to South Park, comic actor Rob Schneider has played an animal, a woman, a carrot, and a stapler. And who could forget his rousing turn in Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpree Dumb? (For the record, Schneider has only played an animal and a woman, so far. Though Da Derp Dee Derp… seems like it has the potential to be a hit, no?)

Now the SNL vet/frequent Adam Sandler collaborator has added another title to his resume: Newlywed OCD Landscape Architect Who Is Also Actually Kinda Racist And Will Accidentally Sexually Harass Your Grandmother. (Stapler doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?) Last night marked the debut of his new CBS show, Rob (or the sitcom formerly known as ¡Rob!, though it still appeared that way in the opening credits) which packed in as many offensive stereotype jokes as it possibly could for its miserable premiere. (Ken Tucker hated the new series, too, accurately describing it as “charmless” and ranking it as one of the worst new shows of the 2012 season. Read his review here.)

When Rob meets the family of his new bride, Maggie (she of the impossibly-gorgeous-sitcom-wife-of-a-schlubby-leading-man variety, played here by Claudia Bassols), a large, wacky Mexican brood (“These people, they’re all Mexican?” he nervously asks his wife) who immediately mistake him for a cab driver and, much to her mother’s horror — gasp! — a gardener. In addition to plenty of jokes at the expense of Mexicans, the elderly, Catholics, hoarders, and women took a hit, too. Look out, Work It, you may have some competition in the horrendously outdated and culturally insensitive department. Especially considering Schneider has played a woman before, too.

While it’s tough to decide whether the eye-gouging gag in which it appears as though Rob is fornicating with Maggie’s grandmother (“Humped my Grandmother” was a joke that made it not once, but twice, into the pilot) or the overt racism was the most distressing and disheartening thing about Rob, here’s a taste of just some of the more insulting lines from the episode.

  • “This is a big family. Now I know what’s going on during all those siestas. Sorry, this is a big family because you’re all Catholic. You don’t use protection.” — Rob, making a first impression on his in-laws. (Hey, two birds with one stone!)
  • “There’s a lot of people, I feel like I’m at a Julio Iglesias concert” — Rob, making an inane observation again about his wife’s large family.
  • “They ought to put a giant wall across the border and patrol with canons. I don’t need any more competition!” — Fernando, Maggie’s father (played by Cheech Marin), on immigration laws.
  • “Between the hundred of them, I think they have like three social security numbers” — Fernando on his illegal employees
  • “Sharing each others deepest secrets, lending each other $7,200” — Maggie’s shady Uncle Hector, immediately suggesting he and Rob become friends so he can loan him money.
  • “Of course you do! You’re Hispanic! Or Latino? Which one is more offensive?” — Rob (For once, Fernando was right. It’s both.)
  • “So, Selena. That was sad, huh?” — Rob, attempting to make small talk. (Yep, this is sad, alright.)
  • “Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb” – The entire Rob pilot script

What offended you more about Rob: How much it insulted Mexicans or the intelligence of all of its viewers? Share in the comments section below, PopWatchers.

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