By Adam B. Vary
January 03, 2012 at 12:00 PM EST
Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

Rest easy, American soccer fans, wherever you are. According to People, soccer superstar David Beckham has turned down an offer to join Paris Saint-Germain’s club, and will remain playing stateside for the Los Angeles Galaxy past the end of his five-year contract with the team, which concluded Dec. 31. It seems Beckham did not want to uproot his family — wife Victoria Beckham had the couple’s fourth child last summer — but we all know the real reason he’s staying put in Hollywood: To launch a new career as an action star.

I mean, Tom Cruise himself said the man has the chops to “kick ass” on screen. Becks could use his downtime from the Galaxy to headline the next Guy Ritchie crime caper, or perhaps a sequel to Don’t You Go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro. Oh, right, those would take him back to London, so perhaps he could play a sexy tattoo artist in the next omnibus Hollywood ensemble romantic comedy? Wow, this theory of mine is falling apart faster than a really bad soccer team that I could identify if I actually paid attention to soccer but I can’t so I’ll say the Indianapolis Colts after Peyton Manning bowed out for the whole season.

Where was I? Okay, seriously, Beckham as a big screen actor is a horrible idea, unless he’s cast in the right role in which he had to squint and smile and possibly pose in his undergarments, in which case it would be an awesome idea. Or maybe that’s me. What do you think?

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