December 09, 2011 at 12:00 PM EST

”Jeff, you don’t need to worry what foreigners think of you. That’s your birthright as an American.”

—Shirley (Yvette Nicole Brown), to Jeff (Joel McHale), on Community

”The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget.”

—Jimmy Fallon on Late Night

”Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear tracksuits and I coach a girls’ sport and I married myself?”

—Sue (Jane Lynch) on Glee

”I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president. I want to see all the different presidents.”

—Darryl (Craig Robinson), on why he wants to get in shape, on The Office

”You manifest with abundance in the heart department.”

—The always eloquent Paula Abdul, to contestant Chris Rene, on The X Factor

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