How best to honor the perpetually classy crooner, 36, his recent best-selling holiday album, and his stand-alone NBC special? By making him answer our most insulting and ridiculous queries

By Melissa Maerz
Updated December 02, 2011 at 05:00 AM EST

You recently released a collection of holiday songs called Christmas. Why do you hate Kwanzaa and Hanukkah so much?
I don’t hate them. I love them! It’s Christmas that I hate. I just made this album because it’s better for money reasons. Christmas means cash.

You’re Canadian. Do you Canadians have secret, taboo Christmas traditions that Americans wouldn’t understand?
Really, there’s no difference. We celebrate in the same igloos, eating the same whale blubber, and singing the same Celine Dion Christmas songs that all Americans sing, eh?

You recently taped an upcoming piece for 60 Minutes. Who’s hotter in person, Morley Safer or Scott Pelley?
Not to say they aren’t both hot, but I think Morley has the full, pouty kissable lips. I would tap that.

You’re known for charming moms and grandmas. Do they make for good groupies?
Well, I’ve gotten some big panties thrown at me. This is actually a fantasy: I’ve wanted to take the panties and hold them so that I can parachute down from the stage into the audience. And I picture those panties going pffft! You know how they open up when the air hits them?

We do. So tell us — are you the father of Justin Bieber’s baby?
I’m tired of this question! Seriously, I’ve told people time and time again: There was heavy petting and nothing more. We were in a hot tub, and everyone knows it’s impossible to get pregnant when you do that.

Can you prove that you and Josh Groban are two different people?
All you’d have to do is talk to the women we slept with. I hear he’s gigantic. There’s a reason they call me Tiny Bubbles.