I just watched an hour-long commercial for overpriced lingerie, a.k.a. The 2011 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, a.k.a. Put That Down, You Fat Fool, It’s Full of Dangerous Nutrients.
You think the models looked too skinny? Well you must be a real jealous bitch! They were BORN THIS WAY, baby. The runway finale song said so. There’s no need to worry about these starving women. I swear, if you stare long enough at the protruding clavicles of the Angels, you can have some really deep thoughts. I’ll share some of mine below.
VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW REFLECTIONS INSPIRED BY THE BONES OF THE ANGELS
Chanel Iman’s coccyx: Do you think that when Will Ferrell said “No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative” in Blades of Glory (sampled in Kanye West and Jay-Z’s “N**gas in Paris”), he was also referring to the Victoria’s Secret PINK collection? And also, possibly, its most original 2011 creation, Nicki Minaj?
Isabel Goulart’s lumbar vertebrae: How many parasols is too many parasols? Do I have goosebumps during this “steamy, sultry, turn of the century New Orleans” number because I’m cold or they’re cold? Would J. Lo approve? I figured it out: I’M cold.
Alessandra Ambrosio’s hips: Does her name ever make her crave ambrosia? Is there ambrosia, or does it only exist in ancient mythology and the 1950s? I’d definitely watch a Victor Victoria remake called Ambrosio Ambrosia. Say that five times fast. Or even twice. Good luck. I can’t do it. She said she’d love to be able to fly, but I thought she was already an ANGEL. Whoa: Are all of the Victoria’s Secret Angels modern-day representatives of the Greek and Roman gods, and would that make Nicki Minaj…Hercules?
Adriana Lima’s beautiful, beautiful cheekbones: Wait. How do Kanye’s leather pants seem like the most ridiculous outfit right now?
In short: I loved it. Share your deep thoughts on the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show below!
Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra PHOTO GALLERY!
Ask Annie what it’s like to be such a fat, ugly, jealous loser in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture.