By Darren Franich
Updated November 28, 2011 at 07:00 AM EST
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Timothy White/E! Entertainment

Most successful reality shows gradually evolve into scripted soap operas. Kourtney and Kim Take New York, however, is going in a slightly different direction: It’s becoming a serialized thriller. Don’t believe me? Bust this: The episode actually began with a flashforward, just like in Lost and Dollhouse and that one show about flashforwarding where everyone on earth flashed forward and then spent the whole season talking about their flashforwards. (I think it was called The Event.) At the start of the season premiere, we saw a quick-cut media montage. Everyone was shocked that Kim Kardashian had ended her marriage to Kris Humphries after just five seconds. How could their relationship have turned sour so quickly? After all, they seemed like the perfect couple: She, a beautiful talking wooden puppet who wanted to be a real girl; He, a giant monster apparently created by a mad scientist in a laboratory using stolen cadavers. What could have gone wrong?

A title flashed onscreen: “Eight Weeks Earlier.” And then we learned just how things went horribly, horribly, horribly wrong. Immediately after getting married, Kim and Kris moved into a two-story apartment in Manhattan’s Gansevoort Park Hotel. They had never lived together before getting married. Learning to co-habitate is a difficult adjustment for any relationship, but it was made even more difficult by the curious living arrangements. Kim and Kris were going to live with Kim’s sister Kourtney, Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott, and their child Mason. Mason marked his territory by pooping in his diaper. In hindsight, that was one of the most erudite moments in the episode.

The problems began when Kourtney took Kim to a health spa, and one of the spa professionals asked Kim, “Would you like to get an enema?” And then, fellow viewers, we were gifted the deathless vision of Kourtney Kardashian getting an oil enema. Now, I don’t want to come off like I’m passing judgment on the ridiculous health practices of insane rich people. But the payoff to this subplot — which, you’ll notice, was the second event in five minutes to prominently feature a Kardashian butt — was immediate and shocking. Kourtney was lazing around on Kris & Kim’s bed. Kris was so disturbed by the notion of an oil enema that he genially farted in Kourtney’s face. Kourtney: “Ew, you guys, I just leaked on your bed!” This was on television.

Kris laughed. Kim laughed. They hugged. Then Kris accidentally stepped on Kim’s toe. “My whole toe just ripped in half!” she exclaimed, punching him. (It was just like that poignant scene in Frankenstein when the monster is having so much fun with the girl that he drowns her.) Soon afterwards, Kris and Scott had a real bonding moment when Kris shaved Scott’s armpits. Apropos of nothing, Scott exclaimed: “I haven’t shaved my pubes in ten years!” Yes sir, this season of Kourtney and Kim Do America is just full of fascinating revelations!

That night, everyone went to a big “Welcome to New York” party. Kris didn’t want to stay for very long. He was very focused on his training. He was worried that a glamorous lifestyle would negatively impact his basketball career, which I am pretty sure has never been a concern for any professional basketball player ever ever. He was also, understandably, getting a bit freaked out about living in close proximity to the Kourtney/Scott tornado.

The other toxic Kardashian couple got into a fight almost immediately. Scott wanted to stay at the party. Kourtney wanted to go home to take care of their son. Scott didn’t want Kourtney to take his limousine home. So he told the mother of his child to walk home. The next morning they had an argument, and Scott left. This might sound sad, but Kourtney was wearing leopard-print pajamas, and Scott was wearing a neon-orange hoodie in bed, so it was actually kind of funny. Scott literally said, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and then left the Gansevoort. His hair was perfect.

Kourtney went upstairs to talk about Scott’s departure with Kris. Kris offered Kourtney a little bit of relationship advice: Reeee-laaaxxx! Kris explained: “Kim puts stuff in the closet, and I throw it on the floor, just to make a statement.” I think that if E! really wants to give this season of Kodak and Kookaburra Take Manhattan the proper gravitas, they should add in a funny sound effect whenever Kris Humphries says something that clearly indicates that his marriage is doomed. Maybe a sad trombone sound. Or a sad tuba. Actually, now that I mention it, Kris Humphries’ voice kind of sounds like a sad tuba. (One imagines Dr. Frankenstein screaming: “Darn it, Igor, did you mix up the cadavers’ vocal cords with the marching band’s instruments again?!?!”)

Kourtney clearly didn’t think that there had been enough body horror in this episode, so she came up with another kooky Kardashian scheme: Naked yoga! The girls invited a couple of paid extras their friends over to the apartment, and they hired a yoga expert with a no-clothes policy. In context, the phrase “Downward-Facing Dog” sounded hilariously dirty. Actually, in naked yoga, everything sounds dirty. When the yoga expert stripped down, Kim said, “We’re all cracking up here.” Get it? Cracking up?

Kris didn’t see anything funny about naked yoga, though. He was horrified. He accused Kourtney of wanting to “get her rocks off with some Rasta dude.” He got into a loud upstairs-downstairs argument with Kim. The argument started when Kris said something to the effect of: “If he sat on the couch, someone better spray that down!” More butt subplots! Actually, now that I think about it, every single person in this episode of Kimney and Kourt Take CSI: New York had a plotline about their derriere except for Kim, which clearly intended as an illustration of Harold Bloom’s theory of the Anxiety of Influence.

I don’t think anyone came off particularly well in this episode, but you can certainly understand why — after a few exciting days of diaper poop, oil enemas, and naked yoga — Kris would decide that he wanted out. “I think I’m gonna go to Minnesota and train,” he told his new wife. “I have to be ready for the season and stuff.”

Kim was saddened by this news: “We’re gonna live separate? Like a long-distance marriage?” Actually, if you managed to look past all the cartoonish shenanigans, then you could almost spot a genuinely sad story on the season premiere of Koala and Kabuki Kolonize Kyrgyzstan. We might never know if the whole Kim/Kris marriage was staged — and if it was staged, we’ll never know whether they were both in on the joke. But it’s possible to guess that they did like each other, in a kind of high school puppydog way. Regardless, I don’t know if any relationship could survive life in a candy-colored insane asylum filled with postmodern body functions.

Kris kissed Kim farewell and covered her in blankets. “Remember when you used to tuck me in when you first met me?” asked Kim. “Like a burrito?”

“Yes, honey,” said Kris, “Just like a burrito.”

Viewers, what did you think about the season premiere of Jason Takes Manhattan? Were you surprised that nothing made any sense at all? Seriously, is it the cool new thing to go to bed wearing a neon-orange hoodie? How does this affect the race for the GOP presidential nomination? Am I the only one who thinks that Kourtney and Kim Take New York is so silly, it makes Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami look like Khloé & Lamar Take Nothing? And are you happy or sad to hear that Kris Humphries’ TV show was rescued from cancellation?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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