Have you ever been forced to pretend that a kid’s bad art is a masterpiece? Super-manly blogger and “art” critic Maddox, lord of The Best Page in the Universe, has put together a compendium of children’s scribbles and his hilariously harsh critiques. The grades he gives these budding artists range from the shameful F– to the highest honor, F+ (although he hands A+’s to his own work, naturally). Maddox’s snarky takedowns of crayon drawings have been popular online for many years, but it’s even more hilarious to see them bound in a glossy, visually stimulating, occasionally eye-vomit-inducing coffee table book. I Am Better Than Your Kids is available in stores Nov. 1, but Maddox has shared a few pages and his comments for us to enjoy early. (Also, before anyone takes things too seriously, no children were scarred for life during the making of this book. Many of the featured child artists are now adults who fully realize they used to have no skills).
WHAT WOULD YOUR SUPERPOWER BE?
Starting from the top:
Damon, age 7: “When I was a kid, I used to draw myself as a superhero with special powers and compare it to my friends’ drawings. It’s fun until some s—head inevitably chooses “all powers” for his special ability and ruins the game, Damon.”
Cole, age 7: “When Peter Parker created his alter-ego to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, I doubt ‘spread eagled with a constipated expression’ is what he had in mind.”
NEXT: The invisible girl …WHAT WOULD YOUR SUPERPOWER BE?
Sara, age 7: “I once had a smudge on my monitor and I left it there for so long that I started to rearrange the icons on my desktop around it instead of cleaning it. That’s pretty lazy, but this “imbisible” drawing is laziness of a higher order … Even if you wanted to “draw” an invisible woman with nothing, why isn’t there anything else in the scene? It’s an invisible woman, not an invisible universe.”
NEXT: Blueprint for a house …DREAM HOUSE
Jenny, age 5: “If you had a giant money bin, why would you want to broadcast that to thieves? This isn’t Duck Tales, and thieves in the real world aren’t into mischief like the Beagle Boys. Instead of being outwitted by a miserly old uncle and his three nephews, criminals in the real world usually die in a hail of gunfire after they’ve taken you hostage for ransom in a building they’ve set on fire. … So think before you brag next time, Jenny.”
Duke, age 4: “Boring.”
NEXT: Sick of school …VOMIT-WORTHY (throw-up is a surprisingly popular subject for budding artists)
Roger, age 13: “I’m for barfing on students. The rest is too crazy, in a good way. Good job.”
NEXT PAGE: Cyborg pets …ANIMALS OR ROBOTS?
Tanner, age 8: “Apparently the only difference between a “robotec” horse and a normal horse is that a robotic horse has this tiny panel below its mane.”
NEXT: The next generation of inventors …
Sean, age 8: “A giant ‘cleaning’ robot with soap-laser beams, broom arms, and dust-cleaner eyes? Good job, I’ll take two.”
NEXT: Draw your mom …DRAW YOUR MOTHER
Colleen, age 15: “The assignment was to draw your mom. You drew a boner-inducing hot secretary. Wrong.”
NEXT: Who’s your hero?WHO’S YOUR HERO?
Doug, age 7: “Wow, your dog sure is brave when the pit bull is behind a fence.”
Dorie, age 6: “I guess if I were deaf, a woman with no hands would be more than perfect — she’d be super.
NEXT: More heroes …WHO’S YOUR HERO?
Emily, age 7: “Hey, Emily, what color do you think the Green Lantern should be? Here’s a hint: it’s the first word in his name. Here’s another hint: you highlighted it. Give up? It’s the color of this letter:”
Brent, age 6: “Even seemingly simple tasks like posing as a newspaper photographer would be nontrivial with giant wooden arms and claws for hands. Forget the superhero story, I could watch an entire movie just about a guy trying to do things like tie his shoes or make coffee with arms like that.”
NEXT: Our future leaders have a dream for tomorrow …I HAVE A DREAM
Brett, age 10: “I’m with you on banning violets, because flowers are bulls—. I also like that if you had a say in the number of people dying every year, you’d choose to make it ten instead of zero.”
Ryan, age 10: “Your transitions are superfluous. Want to know why? Read the next sentence. Because you could simply have said your idea in the space it took to tell me to read the next paragraph. I will tell you why that’s important in the next paragraph.
“Because it shows your reader that you respect his or her time and aren’t a d—.”
NEXT: Even the younger kids are subject to Maddox’s wrath …AGES 1-6: THE FORMATIVE YEARS
Jared, age 3: “Is it rude that I think this child has no future? I hope so.”
Kyley, age 1: “Not only did someone take the time to date these scribbles, but they kept them around for over a quarter of a century. Crappy children’s artwork is not like wine; it’s not going to improve with age.”
NEXT: More from the little ones …AGES 1-6: THE FORMATIVE YEARS
Nathan, age 6: “This is either really bad, or really modern.”
Kami, age 6: “Hi, I’m a giant joint. Bet you weren’t expecting to find me in a kindergartner’s drawing, and yet, here I am.”