Harold Camping says Rapture is today. Ten reasons it will happen.
Remember back in May when Harold Camping predicted the world would end… but it didn’t and God cruelly made us stick around long enough to see this? Well, Camping admitted he was wrong and rescheduled the Rapture for today, Oct. 21. I’ve been stuck in my windowless office all day, so I can’t tell whether or not lava is flowing, lightning is striking, and monkeys with wings are flying in the skies. (Isn’t that what happens during the Rapture? No? That’s just Wizard of Oz?) But, still, I believe. Mostly because I want to hang out with a cute terrier. (That’s still Wizard of Oz? God, I should have gone to church more often.) But here, I give you, 10 reasons I think the Rapture might actually happen today. Hold tight:
1. Kim Kardashian’s birthday. Duh.
2. Brought to you by the gospel of T-shirt Time: Jersey Shore‘s season finale ratings down for the first time ever?! Perhaps Situation devotees were simply the first beamed up? Now, that’s a situation. (And that’s a joke brought to you by 2009.)
3. I just got my iPhone 4S, and God has enough of a sense of humor to only allow me to play with it for one day. (For the record, I asked Siri if the rapture would happen today. She responded, “I don’t know what you mean by ‘Will the rapture happen today.'” That’s a suspiciously shifty response, Siri. She’s in on it, guys.)
4. Herman Cain has been preparing heathens with his 9-9-9 plan… which spells 6-6-6 upside-down! Twist!
5. Easy one: Earthquake.
6. Cruelest fate for those of us left behind? Having to listen to quirky New Girl Zooey Deschanel quirkily warble through a quirky rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” during the quirky World Series Sunday. Did I say quirky? I meant boring. Come on, God, can’t you make this last World Series a good one?
7. Charlie’s Angels have been freed from their former post in time to report to another omniscient being.
8. And, also, Joey Lawrence prepared to be one of God’s warriors.
9. God simply doesn’t have it in his heart to subject us to Jack and Jill. (Or very much disapproves of my plan to watch it opening night with more libations that Heaven could hold.)
10. Surely, something godly had to be responsible for this.
Follow Kate on Twitter @KateWardEW
Hell to the No!