By Adam B. Vary
Updated October 09, 2011 at 05:00 PM EDT
Credit: Michael Simon, Albert Ferreira/Startraks and Nick Saglimbeni

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries may have officially gotten hitched almost two months ago, but we all know nothing is ever official for the Kardashian household until it airs on E! So thank goodness that the two-part kardavaganza Kim’s Fairytale Wedding is finally airing tonight (at 8 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. CT) and Monday, Oct. 10 (at 9 p.m. PT / 8 p.m. CT), so Kim and Kris kan finally stop living in sin.

Of kourse, while the happy kouple’s nuptials have already been very well documented, this will be our first chance for us lowly plebeians to be kaptivated by the judiciously-edited sights and sounds. But what won’t we be hearing or seeing during the happy event? Check out my krack at what won’t be koming our way during the kostly koupling below:

1. “So Khloe was saying that it’s our Nietzschean will to power that drives our fame and fortune. And I’m all, I mean, like, duh.”

2. “I was really, really, really worried the Lohans weren’t going to be able to make it.”

3. Ray J

4. “I don’t think that [insert wildly expensive wedding-related hoopdedoo here] is in our budget.”

5. Burton Jenner, Brandon Jenner, or Casey Jenner, for longer than five seconds.

6. “When we have our first kid, I’m going to name them either Hermione or Hagrid. Then Hortense, Helmuth, Hyacinth, Herschel, Heloise, and Hercules.”

7. Reggie Bush

8. “Yeah, I think the Nets have what it takes to go all the way in 2012.”

9. “Do you think this makes my butt look big?”

10. Restraint

What are you most looking forward to actually seeing and hearing during the televised Kardashian wedding? And, yes, “absolutely nothing” does kount as an acceptable answer.

Follow Adam on Twitter, and he’ll promise never to substitute “k” for “c” again, @adambvary

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