By Joshua Malina
October 03, 2011 at 09:25 PM EDT
ABC Photo Archives/ABC via Getty Images

Last night I signed into my primary news source and was made aware by multiple tweets that Arrested Development — Mitch Hurwitz’s groundbreakingly kick-ass comedy — was slated to return to the air after a five-year absence. I’m delighted at the prospect, though I take it all with a grain of salt. Announcements of the show’s return have now run longer than the original series. Still, here’s hoping it happens.

On the heels of the A.D. bombshell, folks have been tweeting me throughout the day asking when they can expect the return of Sports Night, Aaron Sorkin’s proto-dramedy about the hijinks, hilarity, and heartbreak that go on behind the scenes of a cable sports show. The answer — in brief — is “Never.” Don’t get me wrong. I’d sign up now. I mean what am I doing today? I’m writing this. Hell, I’d be open to discussing a second season of Big Shots, or a third episode of Imagine That. I’m not the problem, people. But I have aggregated some of the issues that prevent a Sports Night reunion. Herewith, the top 7 reasons it’ll never happen: 

1. A re-launch would require a huge marketing campaign, and thanks to Whitney, there are no billboards available.

2. Josh Charles is not taking his Emmy loss well. I hear he’s holed up at home, watching tapes of the ’83 Orioles and scarfing pints of Schweddy Balls.

3. As proud as we were of winning TV Guide‘s 1999 “Best Show You’re Not Watching” Award, it would be depressing to win the 2012 award for “What The F— Were You Thinking, No One Watched The First Time Round.”

4. Felicity Huffman lives on an enormous pile of $50 bills somewhere in the Himalayas. Access to her is limited.

5. Peter Krause is dead.

6. Aaron Sorkin is already bringing back Sports Night. It’s called More As This Story Develops. It’s coming to HBO. And I’m not on it.

7. Let’s be honest — the show never really worked after ABC took out the laugh track.

Read more:

Netflix, Showtime looking at new ‘Arrested Development’ limited series

On the Scene at the first ‘Arrested Development’ reunion

‘Sports Night’ on EW’s list of the 25 Biggest Emmy Nomination Snubs

EW’s original review of ‘Sports Night’