It’s inevitable: One of the four ladies of Wisteria Lane will eventually slip up—or, alternatively, crack under pressure—and reveal the secret we saw them hide last night on the season premiere of Desperate Housewives. It’s too juicy a landmine to not have the repercussions play out deliciously on this, the show’s last season. “There’s no task more unpleasant than getting rid of an unwanted guest,” the always-wise and ever-dead Mary Alice intoned knowingly, as the ladies collectively buried Gaby’s skeevy step-father Alejandro in the woods, with the help of the man who killed him, Carlos. Fat chance of no one spilling the beans on this one.
So who is most likely to crack? Right now, it seems like Susan is cruising fastest toward a reveal, but let’s take a look at each of the housewives’ odds, based on what happened in last night’s season premiere.
Some Potential for Cracking
Lynette seems more preoccupied with the chaos surrounding her family right now rather than worrying too much about the secret she’s partially harboring. So if it is her who buckles, it won’t be until she resolves the current situation with her separation. But, Lynette did have a perplexing nightmare, which sent her running back into Tom’s delightful arms, and signals that—maybe, just maybe—she’s not as steely as the facade she’s putting out there. In short: She could be a ticking time bomb.
Probably Not Gonna Crack
Bree is also caught up with other things—namely, her budding romance with the dreamy Chuck. (“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he tells her, while they’re in bed, “but you could do this professionally.” Yowza.) The one issue with the supposed bliss she’s experiencing is that Chuck just happens to be a cop—one who seems especially apt at sniffing around murder cases, no less. So far, though, Bree has served as the cool-headed enforcer of the group, commanding at the weirdo burying ceremony they held for Alejandro: “We tell no one. Not the police, not our families, no one. When we bury the body, we bury the secret. Forever.”
But at the very end of last night’s season premiere, there was one rather interesting new development that may make Bree fall to her knees faster than we thought: She received a note in her mailbox, identical to the one (and, suspiciously, in the same hand writing) that Mary Alice received when she was being blackmailed before her suicide at the outset of season 1. “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID,” the note reads in all caps. “IT MAKES ME SICK. I’M GOING TO TELL.” Will Bree have a crisis of conscious in the second episode? Will she share the note with the other ladies—or keep harbor that burden on her own? Will she contemplate suicide, like Mary Alice did?
Most Unlikely to Crack
Truly, Gaby has the most to lose if the secret comes out, because both Carlos and her will probably got some jail time—he for the murder, she for acting as an accessory—and who knows what would happen to their daughters in that situation. But because of that, the ever-strong Gaby is determined to keep everything quiet.
Her efforts included pulling the seriously shaky Susan off the ledge more than once—after the hamster funeral where Susan wigged out and, later, when Susan threatened to bring Mike in on the secret—which shows how strong she is. Gaby also helped Carlos talk to their priest, Father Dugan. “No matter what I do, it’s this horrible thing that’s always there,” he told her. “I need to talk to someone.” Eventually he does, with Gaby’s help, but doesn’t confess. Her biggest ticking time bomb, however, could be Carlos himself, who seems determined to take the fall if need be: “I killed the sonofabitch who hurt my wife,” he announced at the top of the hour. “If I have to go to jail, I will.”
Most Likely to Crack
This will likely shock no one, but Susan seems to be the weakest link in this secret-keeping cabal. “How is it going to be okay?” she ranted at the burial in the woods, after the dead guy’s cell phone rang from the grave. “Someone is calling the dead guy!” And then this additional tear: “We are going to get caught! People always get caught!”
In fact, her storyline last night revolved mostly around how she’d withdrawn from her friends and didn’t leave the house anymore. And Gaby eventually confronted her about it: “I’m worried about you,” she told Susan. “First you stop talking to your friends. Now you’re wigging out at a rat funeral. You’re making me nervous.” And Susan’s overly dramatic and dry response: “Well I’m sorry I’m not handling accessory to murder as well as the rest of you all.” But Gaby continued to plead her case: “Susan, I’m begging you. This is my husband’s life we’re talking about. If anything were to happen to him, think what would happen to me and my girls. I know you’re having a hard time, but please hold it together.”
At Gaby’s barbeque near the end of the episode, she revealed that she wanted to bring her hubby Mike in on the secret. “It’s affecting our marriage,” she explained to the gals, who all ended up in the pool after a fight broke out between them. Susan, however, finally resigned to keeping her mouth shut: “We are never going to be able to tell anybody about this, are we?”
So, Desperate Housewives watchers, who do you think is the most likely to crack? Who will be responsible for letting the cat out of the bag on this big secret? What’d you think of the season premiere? Are you excited for season 8? Let me know in the comments section, please!
Tanner on Twitter: @EWTanStransky