September 09, 2011 at 04:28 AM EDT

Tonight’s Late Show with David Letterman featured a “Top 10 Reasons To Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men” list presented by new star Ashton Kutcher alongside series originals Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones. Before the stars’ appearance, Letterman took the opportunity to let loose on He Who Shall Be Named Over and Over and Over Again. “This [season premiere] is going to be huge thanks to Charlie Sheen,” Letterman snarked. “I mean, he did all the heavy lifting on this one, boy.” Watch the video after the jump.

The always sardonic Letterman  pulled no punches talking about Sheen’s checkered history, from the alleged shooting incident with Kelly Preston (though he didn’t mention her by name) to the infamous 2010 hotel bust-up, which led to strangling allegations from partner-in-crime-slash-porn-star Capri Anderson. He left no stone unturned (paging the goddesses!) and found it especially rich that, after all these shenanigans, it was Sheen’s mockery of showrunner Chuck Lorre that got him canned.

Letterman joked that Kutcher had been Sheen’s understudy for years, then predicted that the season premiere would make television history. With that, he threw to the Two and a Half Men sitting on the couch of their set in L.A. Then things got awkward…

The guys sat there staring ahead blankly while Letterman dated himself by joking that Kutcher looked like Dan Fogelberg (to be fair, he kind of does). Like your average Top 10 list, the jokes ranged from the obvious (Cryer presenting  No. 8: “I need to pay for a really big new house”) to the meta (“This season we’ll reveal who the mother is” at  No. 6). Kudos, though, to a zing on The Kutch at No. 7: “If you don’t, I’ll make Dude, Where’s My Car? 2” and Jones’  “I’m 35 g—— years old” ( No. 3). Truest of all, though, was the always unfunny  No. 1 (delivered by Kutcher): “Watch it, don’t watch it. I get paid either way.” I’m pretty sure that was Sheen’s motto all along.

Here is the complete list:

Top 10 Reasons To Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men

10. If you had a hit show, I’d watch it (Kutcher)

9. Television is a great way to avoid interacting with your family (Jones)

8. I need to pay for a really big new house (Cryer)

7. If you don’t, I’ll make Dude, Where’s My Car? 2 (Kutcher)

6. The economy sucks; our show’s free — what more do you need? (Jones)

5. This season we’ll reveal who the mother is (Cryer)

4. We’re switching to metric, so it’ll be 4.023 Men (Kutcher)

3. I’m 35 g—— years old (Jones)

2. It’s like The Odd Couple, but we get to use the word “wiener” (Cryer)

1. Watch it, don’t watch it — I get paid either way (Kutcher)

So, PopWatchers, what did you think? Were the actors delivering their jokes in character, or is Kutcher just that blasé about fulfilling his contractual obligations? Are you planning on watching Two and a Half Men on Sept. 19? Are you excited about Kutcher’s lovelorn Lothario? Or might you miss Charlie Sheen (and the dearly departed Charlie Harper)?

Read more:

Charlie Sheen celebrity roast adds Shatner, Walsh, Lovitz

Courtney Thorne-Smith returning to ‘Two and a Half Men’

Jon Cryer reveals ‘Men’ details — EXCLUSIVE

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