By Darren Franich
Updated August 26, 2011 at 05:55 PM EDT
Shirlaine Forrest/

Sinead O’Connor has kept a relatively low profile in the last few years. I always assumed she was living the leisurely life of the quietly aging singer-songwriter, composing tone poems in a lovely estate somewhere in the countryside.

But readers, I was wrong — dead wrong!

In a column originally written for the Irish Independent, O’Connor explains that she’s been feeling a little bit unfulfilled lately. “My situation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good,” she says, adding, “I tell you, yams are looking like the winners.” After admitting to considering joining an Irish dating agency, she just comes right out and makes her plea: “Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.” And she has requirements, including:

–“He must be no younger than 44.”

–“Must not be named Brian or Nigel.”

–“I like me a hairy man, so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.”

–“Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.”

–“Must be wham-bam.”

–“Has to like his mother.”

According to O’Connor’s personal blog, she appears to have had some luck finding a fella, who I will naturally assume is a mama’s boy named Mr. Wham-Bam “Grizzly” O’Snuggles. O’Connor concludes her column with a special note: “Countless rumours have it that opera singers are recommended to have sex half an hour before each show. So by even applying you are part of my artistic advancement.” What a fun, sexy time for you, Mr. O’Snuggles!

Her website is promising a follow-up piece in this weekend’s Independent. Except for the hurricane apocalypse currently approaching New York City, this is definitely the most important news you will read this weekend.

Readers, are you surprised to see someone with such a relatively high profile go the personal-ad route? And can you believe that we wrote this whole article without mentioning how Sinead O’Connor once tore up a picture of the pope on SNL? Oh, darn.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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