Simon Cowell Paula
Credit: Fox
Simon Cowell, American Idol

In an interview with GQ, Simon Cowell talks about his total disinterest in his last few seasons of American Idol and how a lawsuit citing similarities between Idol and The X Factor forced him to delay plans to bring his show to the U.S. for five years. It’s a great read whether you dig the guy or not, but the thing that will stick with me most is that Simon Cowell has a multi-person team to make sure his “breakfast appears” every day. Breakfast is seven courses, six of them liquid. GQ provides footnoted recipes of his breakfast smoothies, with each fruit serving measured out to the millimeter.

It’s all very scientific. At this point, his entire life is so immaculately curated that Simon Cowell just doesn’t have to deal. With anything. Ever. He wakes up late, watches The Jetsons, absorbs nutrients, and avoids people. He’s my hero. And here’s something very unfortunate for a person who is not a multimillionaire media mogul: Simon Cowell has brainwashed me into believing I should be on an orgasm-inducing IV at all times. (I should, right?)

On watching old cartoons: “It’s less depressing than watching the news, which is just relentless. You’ve got to try it one morning. You’ll be happy for the rest of the day.”

On American Idol: The first two or three years on Idol, I had a blast. And then, as it got more and more successful, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I just felt I was there being paid to do a role, and after a while that’s not very satisfying. So it was hard work the last couple of years…. If somebody had actually asked me to produce the show, maybe that would have been a different thing.”

On procreation: “With the way I live my life, I wouldn’t have the patience. I’d sort of want people born at the age of 10, I think.”

On nutrition: After a recommendation from Dannii and Kylie Minogue, “each week, Cowell has an intravenous drip with B12, magnesium, vitamin C, and, he says, ‘something for your liver.'” “It sounds odd, but when you have it, it is fantastic,” he says. “One girl came down and actually had two orgasms during the treatment.”

And yet: “if you look in my fridge, it’s like children’s food—chips, milkshakes, yogurt.”

Milkshakes in the fridge, huh? Mine always seem to melt. This guy is really onto something.

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Simon Cowell, American Idol
The X Factor
Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato, Kelly Rowland, and Paulina Rubio judge Season 3.
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