By Ashley Fetters
Updated August 16, 2011 at 09:50 PM EDT

Colloportus the door and nox the lights, Hermione. And if I were you, I’d muffliato the hallway, too — it’s about to get steamy in Gryffindor Tower.

Yep, file this one under Things Nobody Asked For: The Key of Awesome turns up the heat and the hormones at Hogwarts in an absurd new HP-themed music video on YouTube. Sexual tension abounds in the disturbingly sensual “Harry Potter and the Steamy Slow Jam” — first, predictably, between Hermione and Ron. “Girl, you’ve been givin’ me looks/For the last five books,” murmurs the youngest Weasley son to his lady, offering her another butterbeer and a furtive glance. Then Voldemort gets in on the action, making wand and snake jokes while appearing to need some privacy with Bellatrix Lestrange, and finally even Professor Dumbledore and Sirius Black are giving one another the come-hither stare.

So wrong it’s almost right? Watch the awkward sexual tension unfold here:

The Internet and The Boy Who Lived have always been something of a natural match, and we’re not just talking about Pottermore. Over the years, YouTube has gifted us varying reimaginations of the Harry Potter phenomenon, including gems like Harry Potter, the musical (a star-making turn for Darren Criss), Harry Potter, the teen rom-com, and even Harry Potter, the NSFW puppet show (featuring a stellar cameo by a foul-mouthed Albus Dumbledore). Potter-mania and YouTube have become a love story for the ages — which now even has its own smooth, baby-makin’ slow jam as a soundtrack.

PopWatchers, what do you think of this sensuous new chapter in the Harry Potter-YouTube saga? In the canon of great viral Potter videos, what are your favorites?