By Darren Franich
August 11, 2011 at 03:25 PM EDT
Andrew Burton/Getty Images

It is a well-known fact that the Smurfs — the fondly-remembered cartoon characters who have now become miserably adored movie stars — are the last truly Communist society in the world. Each Smurf has a profession that defines them completely. They don’t have names, but rather, identifiers of their social utility (Handy Smurf, Architect Smurf, Baker Smurf, Finance Smurf.) There is no Smurf currency, but all their needs are provided for. Papa Smurf is both a leader and a teacher, just like Lenin, and has a beard, just like Lenin. Seriously, compared to the Smurfs, so-called Communist nations like China and Cuba look like freaking free market utopias.

So we should perhaps not be surprised that ever since the Glorious Leader and his Blue Revolution minions strolled by the New York Stock Exchange to ring the opening bell on July 29, the American stock market has tumbled precipitously into yet another financial maelstrom, losing a total of 1,429.51. But, as writer Spencer Kornhaber notes over at The Atlantic, the Most Popular Socialists in Kindergarten are merely the latest celebrities to cause market uproar. In a hilarious slideshow, Kornhaber tracks the record of the glitterati who ring the opening bell. The markets lost 96.04 points on the Day of the Smurfs, although that’s not nearly as bad as the fallout from Captain America’s visit: When Chris Evans rang the opening bell, the markets fell 150 points.

But that’s peanuts compared to the loss leader on Kornhaber’s list: Bar Rafaeli, who casually strolled onto the NYSE on February 10, 2009, and the markets dropped 380 points. And here’s a twist: When the Jersey Shore cast rang the bell, the markets gained 12.41.

So there you have it: The socialists are winning, our supermodels can’t save us, and the last people left alive after the financial apocalypse will be the cast of Jersey Shore. Check out the article here.

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