Robert Pattinson, Remember Me
Credit: Myles Aronowitz
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Dracula must be spinning in his grave.

The Teen Choice Awards create a “choice vampire” category, and the winner is Robert Pattinson’s Edward Cullen for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? He beat Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, and Paul Wesley from The Vampire Diaries (which won five other awards), and Twilight co-star Nikki Reed — okay, fine whatever. But, but … he also bested Alexander Skarsgard’s Eric Northman from True Blood?

Nice going, teens.

Okay, deep breath … Maybe the target demographic for the Fox awards show shouldn’t exactly be watching the hyper-sexualized, ultra-violent True Blood, so let’s just chalk this travesty up to inexperience.

Nothing against the girl, but this is the award show where Selena Gomez gets five awards for things like choice female hottie (oh, good Lord). She also won choice TV Comedy Actress, Choice Music Single, Choice … Okay, enough with the “choice already.” She also won best love song and musical group, for her band The Scene.

Rebecca Black, who became famous this year because her song Friday, like the flu, spread quickly around the globe due to how bad it was, won “choice web star.” Obviously, these ain’t the Peabody Awards.

The big showdown was supposed to be between Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — Parts 1 and 2 and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, but then it seemed like they were all getting awards, based on genre, or the season their movie came out.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2
Credit: Jaap Buitendijk

In Twilight‘s column, Taylor Lautner won sci-fi actor, Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene won the scene-stealers prize, while Pattinson won, as mentioned, best vampire and also best movie actor (yeah, for Water For Elephants, but I’m counting it for Twilight anyway. How many teens do we actually believe saw that movie?)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — Part 1 claimed best sci-fi movie, while the second installment picked up the bigger prize, Choice Summer Movie. Tom Felton won best villain, and Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson won choice summer male and female stars, respectively, and jointly claimed the best “movie liplock” honor for Deathly Hallows — Part 1. Other liplock contenders were Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer for Beastly; Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman for Black Swan (all right, high-five on that one, teens); Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, Twilight: Eclipse; and Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, also from Eclipse.

Although it’s a little convenient to divide up “choice movie actor” from “choice summer movie star” (what, Pattinson’s no good in the summer?), but we’ve obviously got to call this one for Harry Potter, which bodes well for your taste, teens. We all know Twilight drives a certain number of you bonkers, and hey, my two-year-old is crazy for The Smurfs, so different tastes for different ages, I guess. But on behalf of the millions of non-teens out there, you made the right choice on this one.

And maybe I’m being hard on you. There was sincerity in the speech given by Demi Lovato, who had a rough year of rehab, depression and eating disorders, but looks to be back on a healthy track. She won best summer song for Skyscraper, and the Inspire Award, which led her to thank her fans for supporting her during her hard times. “I couldn’t have made it through the incredible journey that I went through without your help and your strength that got me through it. You guys are what got me through this last year,” she said. Considering we’ve all seen what happens when a young artist says no, no, no to rehab, let’s hope this one continues toward a happier ending.

Yeah, teens, it wasn’t all cringe-inducing. You gave Rebecca Black a prize, (you couldn’t have made up a more appropriate “choice survivor of online vitriol” trophy?), but you also bestowed five on the undeniably talented Taylor Swift: country star, female artist, country single (Mean), break-up song (Back to December), and fashion icon, as well as the “ultimate choice” honor, whatever that is.

Credit: Chris Polk/KCA2010/Getty Images for KCA

But then you go ahead and give “choice action stars” to Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie for The Tourist? I’m one of the few who actually liked that movie, but … really? Action stars? For that kind of frothy, romantic shenanigans movie?

Look, I know I’m being hard on you. And these are not The 34-year-old Guy Who’s Probably More Than a Little Jaded After Consuming So Much Pop Culture Awards. But, I’m just … All right, moving on.

Justin Bieber won some awards. SHOCKER! But … okay, yeah, this is funny. You named him choice male hottie, a crown he shares with girlfriend Gomez. And he got choice male musical artist, but also best (ugh, I can’t keep saying “choice”) TV villain for that psycho kid he played on CSI. All right, that’s offbeat. But best of all you named him “Choice Twit.” I mean — LOL, teens! And he was obviously right there to hear it, and …


It’s for favorite celebrity on Twitter. Uh huh. Well. This is awkward.

I guess after all this old-guy ranting, teens, you’re pretty ticked off at me. And maybe I flew off the handle a little. It’s your prize; you can give it to anyone you want. I’d argue that maintaining credibility means it’s not a good idea to just go throwing surfboard trophies to everyone like it’s some kind of instantly forgettable popularity contest or something. I mean, you don’t want to become the Golden Globes, right?

But I say all this in jest. Just kidding around, teens. Maybe you’ll consider me if you ever had a category for “Choice Hissy Fit” or something, right?

Ah. You already have that category. Ed Helms won it for The Hangover: Part II.

On Twitter: @Breznican

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