Big Brother Grab
Credit: CBS

I don’t typically watch the 24-hour Big Brother feeds, partially because I believe the editors who create the thrice-weekly Big Brother episodes are idiot-savant geniuses and I don’t want to spoil my enjoyment of their work, partially because if I wanted to watch a microscopic examination of the chaotically banal meaningfulness of human existence, I could just go see The Tree of Life again. But this news is too good to wait: Yesterday, returning fan favorite Jeff suddenly discovered, to his horror, that Professor Dumbledore from the Harry Potter franchise was gay, which led the lovable lunkhead into a delirious rant that served as a handy reminder that the problem with lovable lunkheads is that they are, ultimately, lunkheads.

After noting that Dumbledore “doesn’t have any gay tendencies,” which I guess means Dumbledore didn’t have a wide stance, Jeff proclaims: “He’s in school with little kids! You don’t want to make that guy gay!” When asked to explain what he means by fellow housemate Kalia, Jeff persists: “I don’t think it’s the right thing to have a kids’ book, and to have the headmaster that’s locked away in this magical land, to be gay. That isn’t the right kind of writing to do.” Yes, truly shocking that the most popular writer in the modern world would deign to retroactively shove homosexuality into our faces by ex post facto declaring that one single character in her cast of thousands was a dude who liked other dudes.

Kalia continues to bait Jeff by asking him to calmly explain himself, at which point he exclaims, “Don’t start with that f—ing s–t! Don’t tell me the right answer for f—ing TV!” Kalia explains that, well, she’s not being PC — her little sister is gay. “I don’t give a f— if your little sister is gay!” explodes Jeff.

The silence that follows is painfully awkward, and is only broken when Brendon, seemingly unaware that the conversation is not a discussion about recent fantasy cinema, asks, “Did anyone watch the C.S. Lewis? The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?” Which, in fairness, does not feature any gay characters (although Aslan the Lion is a curiously confirmed bachelor, the kind of guy that you always find in Alfred Hitchcock movies sharing cocktail giggles with kindly old spinsters). (UPDATE: Alas, video of Jeff’s rant has been pulled from YouTube. CBS released a statement about the blow-up, explaining: “Any views or opinions expressed in personal commentary by a houseguest appearing on Big Brother, either on any live feed from the house or the broadcast, are those of the individual(s) speaking and do not represent the views or opinions of CBS or the producers of the program.” It’s unclear if CBS will air Jeff’s statements. Left unsaid: How this will affect CBS’ viewership in the all-important Fictional Gay British Magician demographic.)

Big Brother fans, does this change how you feel about Jeff?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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