Jimmy Kimmel mocks ABC, Kutcher, 'X Factor'

Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at ABC’s upfront presentation to advertisers Tuesday and once again skewered his network and rivals in a segment that ad buyers in the audience always enjoy:

— ABC’s lineup: “Remember those shows we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. You might have a gambling problem.”

— Fox: “Fox is getting ready to debut The X Factor. I think this is the best idea of 2002. It’s like American Idol meets a mirror.”

— NBC: “It’s cute they’re trying. [NBC entertainment president Bob Greenblatt] is asking for patience. You should be patient — holding onto your ad money for as long as possible until they get their s— together…. Greenblatt also thanked God for The Voice… God stopped watching NBC after Friends.”

— CBS’ older-skewing audience: “We’re all losing viewers to DVR and cable. CBS is losing them to natural causes…. They have a lot of viewers because they can’t remember where they put the remote.”

— How Ashton Kutcher will make a great replacement for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men: “After all, he did a very good job of replacing Bruce Willis.”

— Shark Tank: “You know what somebody should invent on Shark Tank? A replacement for Shark Tank.”

Hey, now that’s over the line! We like Shark Tank.