Simon Cowell, American Idol

Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at ABC’s upfront presentation to advertisers Tuesday and once again skewered his network and rivals in a segment that ad buyers in the audience always enjoy:

ABC’s lineup: “Remember those shows we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. You might have a gambling problem.”

Fox: “Fox is getting ready to debut The X Factor. I think this is the best idea of 2002. It’s like American Idol meets a mirror.”

NBC: “It’s cute they’re trying. [NBC entertainment president Bob Greenblatt] is asking for patience. You should be patient — holding onto your ad money for as long as possible until they get their s— together…. Greenblatt also thanked God for The Voice… God stopped watching NBC after Friends.”

CBS’ older-skewing audience: “We’re all losing viewers to DVR and cable. CBS is losing them to natural causes…. They have a lot of viewers because they can’t remember where they put the remote.”

How Ashton Kutcher will make a great replacement for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men: “After all, he did a very good job of replacing Bruce Willis.”

Shark Tank: “You know what somebody should invent on Shark Tank? A replacement for Shark Tank.”

Hey, now that’s over the line! We like Shark Tank.

Episode Recaps

Simon Cowell, American Idol
The X Factor
Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato, Kelly Rowland, and Paulina Rubio judge Season 3.
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