Hit List: May 6, 2011

1. Jessica Simpson vows to ”outdo” Kate Middleton’s wedding dress
It involves a pair of Daisy Dukes and four tastefully placed pieces of fried chicken.

2. Justin Bieber egged at Aussie gig
Adding insult to injury, his hair kept sweeping in a counterclockwise direction.

3. MTV UK to air Geordie Shore, British take on Jersey Shore
Finally, a version of Jersey Shore in which people speak English!

4. Mariska Hargitay sues talent agency, claiming it isn’t entitled to commission for her two-season SVU contract renewal
To be honest, I thought she was a little petty in her email informing them of the news: ”Sucks to VU.”

5. Uncensored version of Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray published 120 years later
Is it too graphic? Well, you might want to keep it in the attic, just to be safe.

6. Princess Beatrice’s pretzel-octopus royal wedding hat has 126,000 fans on Facebook
Lady Gaga was so intrigued, she plans to wear it — with Princess Beatrice still attached — at her next concert.

7. Mark Ruffalo says he’s still grieving over chickens killed in fire at his dairy-farm home on Oscar weekend
And he’s going to tell their story in the bittersweet indie drama The Chicks Aren’t All Right.

8. Glenn Beck calls Glee ”horror show”
Not to be a conspiracy theorist here, but why has he been hoarding all of their gold records?

9. Estate of couple who created General Hospital sues ABC, alleging network owes them profits
”That wasn’t us — it was our evil twin,” explained an ABC spokesman. ”Or maybe it was us. It’s hard to tell with the amnesia…”

10. L.A. traffic cops busted for appearing in porn film while on duty
They were given a three-month suspension, during which they must shoot one PSA and two VH1 reality series.