I have an extremely embarrassing confession to make (no, not that I find sunscreen sexual, Gary Busey): I actually liked the men's Australian Gold pirate idea on last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Yes, that's right, I thought a concept dreamed up by Mark McGrath — the former Sugar Ray frontman who decided covering "Abracadabra" was a good idea — was a knock-out. (This is why I tag this post "Things That Make Me Die Inside.")

Seriously, excluding the koala and Gary Busey debacles — by the way, I can't believe those words are part of an actual sentence — someone tell me why the women should have won the Australian Gold challenge over the men.The dudes generated buzz, created a smart slogan and jingle, and, most importantly, played pirates. This is the 2000s, Australian Gold, the century that has brought us the mega-blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. If we've learned anything since 2003, it's that pirates sell just as well as Hope Dworaczyk's boobs.

Sure, Australian Gold might argue: What do pirates have to do with sunscreen? Well, what does a petrifying clown have to do with fast food? A stuffed bunny with batteries? Heck, an Australian koala with suntan lotion? At least the pirate is a species that would benefit from some sunscreen usage, with all their days at sea. And again, pirates, Australian Gold! They're why we dig Captain Morgan. They're why we had a soft spot for Free Credit Report's singing mateys. And they're why we can't help but turn away while watching this IO Digital Cable commercial, no matter how terrible it is.

Sheesh, at least the men thought of something better than Latoya Jackson's beach and (M. Night twist!) snow bore. Am I alone? Embarrassing myself? Arggh!

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