Just when I thought I was more excited for Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s April 29 nuptials than anybody in the continental U.S., Entertainment Tonight has released a jaw-dropping promo that proves they are truly delirious with royal wedding fever.
The extravaganza begins on a maudlin note, as the stately strains of Susan Boyle’s “I Dreamed a Dream” underscore a heart-tugging narration: “Nearly 14 years ago, the world lost a princess — and a boy lost his mother.” (First of all, I’m pretty sure TWO BOYS lost their mother, but apparently that’s not important right now.) The music swells as the Over-Enunciating Announcer declares, “Now, the future King of England will take his mother’s ring” — cue shot of Diana wearing the dazzling ring — “and marry the WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS.”
Abrupt shift to the happy ukulele version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” because now it’s time to party! ET is sending its best people to cover the hell out of this wedding, y’all! Each one is announced with a digital sprinkling of fairy dust (complete with tinkly sound effects): Mary Hart! “Special correspondent” Jane Seymour! Nancy O’Dell at Westminster Abbey (surely the only time the words “Nancy O’Dell” and “Westminster Abbey” have ever appeared in the same sentence)! Other people I’ve never heard of!
They’re all going to be there starting April 18, because this wedding is going to be “the most-watched television event of all time!” Don’t ask how they know that — how many times do I have to tell you about Mary Hart’s psychic powers? To top it off — literally — the promo ends with the ET team surrounding Queen Mary Hart (on her throne) while wearing BIG SILLY HATS.
Watch the promo below. I dare you to tell me it’s not the best promo of all time for anything ever.