I didn’t know St. Patrick granted wishes, but apparently he does. After a way-too-long hiatus, 30 Rock finally returned last night. Well, sorta. The show gave up the typical 30 Rock feel in favor of Queen of Jordan graphics, characters, and subtitles. We were treated to an episode of Queen of Jordan, Angie’s reality show on Bravo. In an over-the-top ode to the Real Housewives franchise, each character had to deal with the stress of being filmed 24-7 by the Queen of Jordan cameras.
With Tracy still in Africa (AKA real-life medical leave), Angie took a special interest in all the things she normally can’t finish with look-what-the-banister-did-to-me-Tracy around. It was Angie time, and she was focusing on her music career. Her 15-second single “My Single Is Dropping” was dropping, so Mrs. Jordan glued in her business weave and set up a meeting with Jack Donaghy.
During the meeting Jack got caught tripping on camera. (Ed. note: Amazing!!!) And thus began his characterization as the show’s clumsy buffoon. The Princeton man couldn’t handle his newfound image, and tried to do everything he could to change it. Verbal Signature! Instead, he only made matters worse after a double-entendre-laced conversation with Dotcom (Grizz’s Best Friend) and Grizz (Greg’s Best Friend). “Switch hitter, pitcher, catcher. Whatever the boys needed.” Oh, Tracy’s Gay Boss. Think before you speak. Add in an ill-timed fart sound (he promises it was the chair!) and Jack was truly defeated. But of course, he came around in the end completely secure in his manhood. He took to the dancer floor at Angie’s single release party and easily convinced everyone with his dancing skills that he is, in fact, straight. (Anyone else want to see that dance competition between him and D’Fwan?)
Meanwhile, Liz (Another Person) was frantically trying to convince Angie to bring Tracy home. TGS was struggling without him, and legal wouldn’t let her use the word “best” in their best-of special. Also, her shirt was tucked into her underwear. At least it’s a step up from that Duane Reade bag. Knowing she couldn’t make it much longer without her star, she took matters into her own hands and tried to send Tracy an e-mail as Angie, promising him the sex things he enjoys — like doing it across the bed instead of up and down. (Lemon saw it in a movie once.) The Lemon/Angie battle continued until the end of the episode when a fabulous fight referenced the Real Housewives of New Jersey. “[Tracy] is my man too, and TGS is my family. And my family is thick as thieves,” Lemon shouted as she pushed over a table. Oh, snap! Angie finally admitted that she wanted Tracy back, and since he wouldn’t return, she had to put on this act. Friends again! Now, Tracy just needs to get back to the show. Also, Angie should probably apologize to Liz for ripping out her hair. That was not a weave. But it’s okay, she’s contractually obligated to pull out eight more weaves before the season is over. So if weave-pulling floats your boat, stay tuned.
Former child star Jenna was busy trying to get cam-e-rah time on Angie’s show. She went around throwing wine on everyone, because that’s the only surefire way to rocket yourself into reality TV fame. Duh! Her attempts to get noticed also included a faux intervention thrown by Pete (Powerless Bald) and Kenneth (Elderly Page). Jenna also told us about her website, www.jennas-side.com. Say it out loud. And she still doesn’t hear it. Because she doesn’t know the word!
Finally, Frank’s former lover (not to be confused with Motherlover) returned. Okay, actually she was released from prison. Susan Sarandon guested as Lynn Onkman (Former Educator, Sex Offender). In this Mary Kay Letourneau-style story, Onkman fell in love with Frank R. during a scoliosis test. And the rest, as they say, is
history a felony. When Lynn realized Frank was still the eighth grade boy she fell in love with, she began to rethink her feelings. Cue Frank R. dropping all of his toys into a deep fryer. Now that’s true love.
Other “Queen of Jordan” highlights:
++ Angie’s dream of becoming a recording artist since she was “a little… drunk the other day and rented out a recording studio.”
++ The wine-throwing montage, which including throwing wine at a dog!
++ “I will not wear anything in my size and appropriate for my age.” –Angie
++ “HAM!” –Angie
++ Not one, but two (!) references to Amy Grant. (Watch this video. The clothes we wore during the ’90s were heinous.)
++ “May I be dismissed?” –Frank R. asking permission to leave Lynn
++ ” Number 1: I was so worried I forget to write the rest of this letter.” –Kenneth’s intervention letter to Jenna
++ Learning Jack only farts once a year for a full hour atop a mountain in Switzerland
I thought last night’s return was hilarious, but that’s because it was catered to people like me who enjoy trashy reality TV. It didn’t do much in terms of plot growth, but that’s the point. That said, I imagine it was either a complete hit or miss for fans. What did you think of the new episode? Tell me what you think in the comments before I go and drink all the throwing wine. And if you don’t like this recap, well, sho nuff it’s just a first draft.
Read more: All ’30 Rock’ posts on PopWatch