Kathy Griffin’s limited-run Broadway solo act Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony is hilarious. Not only that, she produced a fantastic fake bio for Playbill. Here it is, in its entirety:
KATHY GRIFFIN (Kathy Griffin) is thrilled to be performing at the storied and absolutely haunted Belasco Theater, where she has already told legendary stage impresario David Belasco’s ghost, in no uncertain terms, to “Suck it.” Ms. Griffin is especially excited to be reprising the role of Kathy Griffin after spending four years as Kathie Lee Gifford in a touring company of Ms. Gifford’s one-woman musical jamboree, Jesus Is My Homeboy. Born in Madagascar, raised in Rangoon (that’s for you, Streisand-obsessed gays), Ms. Griffin made her stage debut at the age of 9 in a Griffin family kitchen production of Boys in the Band, where Ms. Griffin played seven gay men simultaneously. Can you say foreshadowing?
Broadway: Speed-the-Plow (with Jeremy Piven, sushi-taster no. 4); Macbeth (Macbeth’s wisecracking red-headed sidekick); Les Miserables (Jean Valjean’s funny flame-haired henchwoman); The Iceman Cometh (Iceman’s sharp-tongued best friend); Neil LaBute’s I Hate You But I Won’t Say It Till It Can Do The Most Damage (dead whore); Cats (Fierce-y Tattletail MacHairBall); Sweeney Todd (Pie Eater No. 3); Chicago (Mrs. Cellophane); Your Arms Too Short to Box With God: A Soaring Celebration in Song and Dance (God’s fight promoter); Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark (head stuntwoman, fired).
Off-Broadway: Mark Twain Tonight! (understudy); Stamp (the sister production to Stomp, but about stamp collecting); How Do I Get To Broadway?
Off-Off-Broadway: Live! Live! Girls! Girls! Sex! Sex! (still running)
Television: the double-Emmy-winning Kathy Griffin My Life on the D-List (series regular); Law & Order: SVU (no, really, this isn’t a Playbill joke, I’m like a real New York actor!); Glee (another Emmy please); Suddenly Susan (not Brooke Shields); Seinfeld (not Julia Louis-Dreyfus); Curb Your Enthusiasm (not Larry David); CNN New Year’s Eve with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin (Gloria Vanderbilt’s best friend); more stand-up comedy specials than any other comedian EVER, including four in 2011 alone; ER; The X-Files; The Simpsons; Ugly Betty; Defenders; American Dad. Ms. Griffin has also hosted countless awards shows. Look, just type “comedy legend” into your search engine and her picture will come up, probably sixth or seventh.
Talk show bannings: Oprah, The View, Live with Regis & Kelly, Ellen, Maury Povich Baby Daddy Specials, The 700 Club, NewsHour with Jim Lehrer
Film: Pulp Fiction; Four Rooms; It’s Pat; Gandhi (Gandhi’s wacky girlfriend); Saving Private Ryan; Cold Mountain; Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon; Can’t Stop the Music; Can’t Stop the Music 2: Turn It Up; Can’t Stop the Music 3: Okay, Now That’s Just Too Loud; The Remains of The Day; Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad White Woman; Black Swan; The King’s Speech; The Social Network.
Awards: Ms. Griffin has received two Emmy awards, having been nominated seven times. She has also received three Grammy nominations, the GLAAD Vanguard award, the Trevor Project’s Lifetime Honoree award, the Human Rights Campaign’s Ally for Equality award, a 2007 GAYVN award (aka gay porn), the key to Louisville, and the 2011 Tony Award (fingers crossed!)
Ms. Griffin is also the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin. She lives in Los Angeles, but loves New York, and would like to thank her dogs PomPom Griffin and Larry Griffin-Arquette, as well as her loving fiance Kelsey Grammer. However, Ms. Griffin’s most cherished production is that of her four children: Apple, Moses, Willow and Jaden. Without their strength and love and support, she would not be able to continue to tell dick jokes for the best audience in the world (that’s you, people!). She would also like to thank God, and remind everyone how closely she follows Biblical scripture: “Behold I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.” (Malachi 2:3)