By Mandi Bierly
Updated March 07, 2011 at 04:03 PM EST

Charlie Sheen has admitted via Twitter that his inaugural live Internet broadcast “Sheen’s Korner” was “treasonous to the movement” Saturday night. He said it was “my bad” and promised that a “video solution” would be coming soon. EW’s Chris Nashawaty sat through the 50-minute event and dubbed it, “a sloppy, self-indulgent bit of cringe theater that felt more like cable-access snoozefest than a cogent broadcast.” Sheen, Nashawaty reports, took swipes at Dr. Drew Pinsky, praised Sean Penn, quoted Wall Street, and showed photos of cats beating up dogs. Ten minutes in, the number of viewers, which had climbed to well over 100,000, began to decline. Perhaps Sheen earned a little respect for the writers of Two and a Half Men

He tried to erase that failure to entertain with a second episode of “Sheen’s Korner,” in which he blamed the first episode’s shortcomings on him trying to fit into a pre-existing format, referred to the telephone as “the weapon of the trolls” (and that was before he kept getting disconnected), waxed poetic about pain, and told the person on the line who suggested Sheen show people both sides of him that he only had one side. “And it’s me, and it’s gnarly, and it’s crazy, and it’s more than they deserve, it’s more than they can process,” Sheen said.

Is anyone else confused about whether Sheen actually wants us to listen to him at this point? “All I’m gonna give them is the f—in’ truth, and I’m gonna deliver it in a way that’s violent and focused and not like they’re used to ever because they’re high on vaccines, and McDonald’s, and US Weekly, and TMZ and every other f—in’ shitty brand of food that they consume…. So I’m just gonna write my sermons. I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedos and people are gonna f—in’ take it or leave it. We know they’re gonna take it ’cause they can’t process it, so they must condemn it. If they can’t condemn it, they’ll f—ing like turn me into a God and worship it and then realize I’m behind them cutting their throats and their children [abrupt cut].” What?

Sheen continued blabbing for a total of 13 minutes, the last of which were spent lamenting the passing of his 11-year-old pug, Betty, who shared his birthday and therefore had a special bond with him. “Betty was the s—. Betty was f—in’ cool as hell. But she’s dead, and now she’s in another dimension flashing her razor fangs, making her owner, her master, proud,” he said. “That’s how it goes. People die. Dogs die. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Bring ’em back. Good luck. You’re not me.” The episode was dedicated to her.

Read more: