Celebrity rants of yore have offended plenty of minority groups, but Charlie Sheen’s bizarro comments in the past week have alienated some niche communities, including Wiccan groups and Mars enthusiasts.

Christian Day, an actual warlock who’s been outspoken about Sheen’s use of the term “Vatican assassin warlock,” will perform a cleansing ceremony on Sunday in Salem, Mass., to “protect, heal, and bind” Sheen by sending him ideas — directly into his head, via light — against maligning warlocks in the future. Day finds Sheen’s understanding of warlocks shoddy, to say the least. “The Vatican has assassinated plenty of warlocks, but the assassins are not warlocks themselves,” he explains.

Day will use a sword to cast a circle around himself and his fellow magic practitioners during the ritual: “As everyone knows from reading The Odyssey, swords create an energy barrier between yourself and the rest of the world,” he says.

I asked Day whether messages from “vast and extensive Lunar channels” will crowd out Day and his fellow Wiccans’ passage to Sheen’s brain, but Day isn’t worried: “A tinfoil hat might protect [Sheen] from aliens, but it won’t do anything to protect him from witches,” he said.

As a devout Catholic and friend to warlocks, famed ghost investigator Ron Kolek was doubly offended by Sheen’s remarks. “If a cleansing ceremony is unsuccessful, perhaps a good old Catholic exorcism might help him,” he said.

Mars aficionados and advocates of Mars exploration are able to joke about Sheen’s assertion that he’s a “bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” “At last, we’ve found evidence of life on Mars,” said Chris Carberry, executive director of Explore Mars, Inc., which promotes education and innovation for exploration of the red planet. “No publicity for Mars is bad publicity, up to an extent,” he said. “I don’t think Mr. Sheen would make a particularly great spokesperson for us because we’re serious about seeing man land on Mars within the next 20 years — and that won’t be Charlie Sheen!”

Charlie, The Sheen Is Gone: No amount of rehab — drug, image, or otherwise — can repair his reputation