By Jeff Labrecque
Updated March 01, 2011 at 08:01 PM EST

Two and a Half Men

  • TV Show

By now, you’ve probably seen and heard enough from Charlie Sheen on the Today Show, Piers Morgan Tonight, and Howard Stern Show to last a lifetime, but ABC is showcasing more of his craziness/truth in the hopes that you’ll tune in to another interview on 20/20 tonight. At this point, I’m no longer curious about his unusual homelife — which he shares with two “goddesses” — or his “war” to keep Two and a Half Men on the air. I’m only interested in the pithy slogans he coins and the outrageous quotes that have have never, ever been uttered before by human tongues. Here are my top-nine from tonight’s 20/20 interview with Andrea Canning:

1. “I am on a drug: It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

2. “I get in trouble for being honest … I’m extremely old-fashioned.”

3. “I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that’s how I roll.”

4. “[I’m not bi-polar]. I’m bi-winning. I win here; I win there.”

5. “Dying’s for fools.”

6. “Can’t is the cancer of happen.”

7. “Hey kids, your dad’s a rock star. Look at his experiences. Look at what he survived.”

8. “I’m proud of what I created [referring to his party and drug binges]. It was radical … I exposed people to magic.”

… and my all-time favorite: “The [partying] run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards — all of them — look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

Check out ABC’s previews, starting with this one.

Read more:

Charlie Sheen calls Howard Stern

Chuck Lorre vanity card: ‘I am so outta here!’

Charlie Sheen says he’d apologize to Moonves, puts down John Stamos as ‘Men’ replacement

‘Two and a Half Men’ crew will get paid

Sheen lawyer: Pay him for dumped episodes!

Lawyer: Charlie Sheen doesn’t have a case

Charlie Sheen says he will sue CBS, apologizes (sort of) to Chuck Lorre

Charlie Sheen on ‘Today’: ‘It’s $3 mil an episode, take it or leave it’

Charlie Sheen passes drug test

Episode Recaps

Two and a Half Men

  • TV Show
  • 9
  • Pending
stream service