By Dan Snierson
Updated February 25, 2011 at 12:00 PM EST

1. Open the show by declaring “Welcome to the Oscars!”

2. Introduce the new President of the Independent Spirit Awards, Hosni Mubarak.

3. Replace the tinkling piano keys that alert winners when their acceptance speeches are running long with a deeply thunderous fart sound effect.

4. Recreate the classic one-armed push-up acceptance speech using a Weekends at Bernie’s-inspired pulley system on Jack Palance’s corpse.

5. Bestow a surprise Lifetime Achievement Award to Steven Seagal.

6. Unveil my documentary You Will Be Missed, Ya Know What I Mean?: A Retrospective on the Films of Jim “Ernest” Varney.

7. Jump start the show with revamped version of Naughty By Nature’s hip-hop classic: “You Down With IFC? Yeah You Know Me!”

8. Meet Annette Bening and then turn to the man next to her and say, “And this must be the esteemed Mr. Beatty,” before realizing it’s the valet she’s handing her keys to.

9. The chimpanzee I’ve used for years as my stand-in, Mr. Crackers, will get loose in the crowd and repeatedly mount Aaron Eckhart.

10. Get a case of the giggles every time I mention Best Feature nominee Winter’s Bone. I’m giggling right now, as my assistant types this.

In case you missed it, enjoy this promo clip of McHale prepping for the big night.

Will you be watching the Spirit Awards? Any predictions for award winners (or McHale gags)?

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Joel McHale and Alison Brie star in this comedy about a community college study group that turns into a surrogate family.
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